Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome back to the consciously thriving podcast.
[00:00:04] Speaker B: Hello. I'm so excited to be back doing the second episode. It feels so right and so good to be here, honestly. And I'm loving our setup. I love it. I know.
[00:00:14] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: Like, I'm biased. It's my house, but I love it.
[00:00:16] Speaker A: Yeah. So we've actually, I should say Daniel changed the layout, which is Shule's partner, but. Okay. So just something. Let's take a step back, because something we need to know about Shule is. Her personality is, like, dramatic. It's like.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: It's true.
[00:00:31] Speaker A: It's true. So this morning, I've come in, seeing that the layout of our podcast studio looks different.
And she's like, daniel did it because I have my period. And, like, if, you know, Shulay, like, things that are in her life become part of her personality. Like, if she's got a period, you'll know about it. She's gluten free, got celiac. She's celiac. It's her entire personality.
[00:00:57] Speaker B: It's my identity. It's my personality. You will know about it. She calls it sst.
[00:01:02] Speaker A: Yeah. She lays services and tax.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:05] Speaker A: She adds 10% onto everything.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: Yeah. It's like, I couldn't just say, oh, Dan, move the couch. I have to add, because I have my period. Like, you need to know, and all of you need to know right now that it's the first day of my period.
Honestly, it's like, literally everything becomes my entire personality. If I'm ovulating, I'll be like, that's my personality. And, like, Nadia knows about it. Dead set. She knows how horny I am. She knows.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: It's.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: Honestly, she knows the consistency of my narrative.
[00:01:33] Speaker A: Imagine that.
[00:01:34] Speaker B: Imagine that.
[00:01:35] Speaker A: It's not gross. It's normal. But, like, come on.
[00:01:37] Speaker B: I would do that as well.
[00:01:38] Speaker A: You would do that.
[00:01:39] Speaker B: I've shown her a lot.
[00:01:41] Speaker A: Yeah, but we're girls. Come on. That's okay. Sheila, you've done my laser. You've seen my ass.
[00:01:47] Speaker B: That's true. I used to get in there. I used to get into her asshole, and she used to try and flinch away from me, and I used to just literally try and fucking tear her.
[00:01:55] Speaker A: Shula used to actually do people's facials and laser. Yeah.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: I used to do laser hair removal.
[00:02:00] Speaker A: One part of their life.
[00:02:01] Speaker B: In one part of my life.
[00:02:02] Speaker A: That feels like fucking time ago. I need to get laser. But anyway, um, basically, she did, like, she would do my laser, and she saw everything. So we're very close.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: Yeah. I just say everything.
[00:02:14] Speaker A: It is part of her personality.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: What's crazy to me is that our yawnies look the same. Did I ever tell you that?
[00:02:20] Speaker A: No. Yeah, you've said it a few times.
[00:02:22] Speaker B: Yeah. Our yonies are the exact same. It, like, is wild.
[00:02:25] Speaker A: They do.
[00:02:26] Speaker B: They look the exact same. Like, yoni's look different, but, like, you know, they're all. It's all basically the same shit. But they do look different.
[00:02:32] Speaker A: But, like, identical.
[00:02:34] Speaker B: Ours are identical.
[00:02:35] Speaker A: I've got a tattoo near mine.
[00:02:36] Speaker B: Yeah. I feel like I need to get one now.
[00:02:38] Speaker A: No, you need to get the same do. Go to Bali. Go to the same guy.
I got my first ever tattoo in Bali.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: I remember that.
[00:02:44] Speaker A: Yeah, it's a little. What, are you gonna say it?
[00:02:46] Speaker B: Is that allowed to say, or is it a secret?
[00:02:48] Speaker A: What.
[00:02:48] Speaker B: What you got a tattoo of?
[00:02:49] Speaker A: It's an infinity symbol. It's a basic as, basic girl tattoo. I was like, come on. Like, I wasn't gonna do something crazy down there, but I just wanted to, like, get my first tattoo.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: Yeah. I always forget about the tattoo on my back.
[00:03:00] Speaker A: Yeah. We'll see it a bit more in summertime.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:03] Speaker A: Go to the beach and stuff.
[00:03:04] Speaker B: I think so. I love that tattoo. To the dreams that are answered to the dream. Is that what it says?
[00:03:11] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:11] Speaker B: To the dreams that come true.
[00:03:13] Speaker A: Might want to fix that one.
No.
[00:03:18] Speaker B: So from one of my, um.
Wait, why?
[00:03:21] Speaker A: Why would I fix it?
[00:03:22] Speaker B: Oh, because of surrender. We've been having a conversation on surrender all morning.
[00:03:27] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, the levels of surrender.
[00:03:29] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, we're, like, entering a whole new, different level of our awakening, of our relationship with business and life. And the conversation will come, I think, when we're a bit more embodied in this, like, next level of surrender.
[00:03:43] Speaker A: I think that's all it is. Right. It's like, there's just different levels and different stages of surrender. Yeah. Just. It's just a whole new ballgame that we'll get into one day.
[00:03:53] Speaker B: Yeah, I think so. I think we're still trying to, like, understand, marinate practice, so. Yeah, but we. We've literally been sitting here for fucking 2 hours. Literally. I'm not even exaggerating. That's. No, sst. That's serious.
[00:04:06] Speaker A: She's not running.
[00:04:07] Speaker B: No, that's seriously 2 hours we've been fucking sitting here.
[00:04:11] Speaker A: Yeah. Should we actually get into today's episode?
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Yeah. We've been talking about surrender. We're, like, literally so annoying. We just don't shut the fuck up. Let's talk about today's episode. We wanted to chat about my 28th birthday because a lot of shit went down on my 28th birthday for me, personally. Yeah. I just don't, like. I'm just gonna, like, talk about the experience, because it was, like, quite a deep one. That actually led me to this conversation on surrender and everything.
[00:04:38] Speaker A: Yeah. Everything over the last couple months has led to this.
[00:04:41] Speaker B: Hey, it's led to this. Yeah. It's, like, been a complete, like, breaking down of my walls and it's led to this. But for you as well, in, like, different ways.
[00:04:49] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:04:50] Speaker B: It's been intense. So, basically, my 20th birthday came, and I had this idea on how I wanted to spend the day. I just wanted to, like, go walking in the forest. I wanted to have, like, a really wholesome, beautiful day of all the things that I love. And Nadia was spending the day with me, and I was also wanting to go to do this energy healing because I did this energy healing on my last birthday, and it was so fucking good. Like, I walked away feeling the best I've ever felt, ever.
[00:05:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:21] Speaker B: So I was like, she's great. I was like, this is amazing. Like, I've just. I was vibrating on fucking cloud nine. She's a kinesiologist. She's a Reiki healer. She's so fucking good. But she, like, if you're in Melbourne, by the way, her name is optimum body body healing, I think. Something like that. I'll have her linked below.
[00:05:41] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:41] Speaker B: Because she's actually so fucking good.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: She is good.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: But she.
So she was doing this, like, energy healing on me, and I, like, she does kinesiology, so she does muscle testing. And she can actually see what your vibration is at, like, where you're vibrating at. So when you walk in, you see where you're vibrating at. And then, you know, after the session, she tests you again, and then you see if you've risen a little bit. There have been some sessions that I've gone, and I've only, like, raised, like, one. Like, it's been, like, one above or whatever. So it's always been different. But on this particular day, on my birthday, I went there, and I was like, all right, you know, go in there. I was, like, sitting, like, at, like, the mid area, which was really good because I had raised from where I was last time. So sitting around the mid area, it's like the consciousness scale. You know that, like, rainbowy scale.
That's what I'm talking about here, basically. So she saw that I was, like, sitting at the mid section. I think it was around, like, just being peaceful or some shit like that. And then I maybe not. I don't know. Don't quote me. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. But it was, like, mid. And then at the end of the session, she checked it, and I was like, fucking cloud nine. Like, I was, like, up there. I was, like, at the highest, like, level of consciousness, like, with love. And, like, I felt so good. So I remember after that, I was like, I want to do that again on my birthday. Like, that's gonna be so good. So I got the exact same, like, healing done. This time was totally different. So the day is going good until I get to the healing. I put my head on the fucking pillow and all hell breaks loose.
[00:07:16] Speaker A: Yeah. So, Jonathan, how did you start your birthday?
[00:07:19] Speaker B: Yeah, so just the birthday was.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: So what do you mean, just?
[00:07:23] Speaker A: So? Like, I was with her at home, like, working and stuff like that. So I've dropped.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: Basically.
[00:07:28] Speaker A: We went for, like, lunch with your mom. We went and got a coffee in the morning.
[00:07:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: Nature walks. And I have just gone and dropped Shilay off at this, like, energy healing.
[00:07:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:36] Speaker A: Everything's, like, peachy. Like, we're just like. It's like, a nice day here. To celebrate it. I was staying for dinner, which I did for dinner.
[00:07:42] Speaker B: The day was normal.
[00:07:43] Speaker A: The day was normal.
[00:07:43] Speaker B: The day was normal. Like, we were just, like, we had gone on a morning walk, got a coffee.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: So you didn't have any clients that day because it was, like a Friday or something?
[00:07:52] Speaker B: I think it was Wednesday.
[00:07:53] Speaker A: I had.
[00:07:54] Speaker B: I told clients that I would do them.
[00:07:56] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:07:57] Speaker B: Like, I rearranged. Yeah, yeah. Because I wanted it to be, like, just whatever. I just wanted it to be, like the birthday, you know? Yeah, like, just be there.
[00:08:05] Speaker A: Cut the day off. Yeah.
[00:08:06] Speaker B: So, yeah, Neds was with me and she had dropped me off. So I literally am sitting there, put my head on the fucking bed, and literally all hell broke. Broke loose. So I'm normal the entire day. Would you say I was normal?
[00:08:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:18] Speaker B: Looking back, yeah.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: Yeah, I think you were normal.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:21] Speaker A: I think, like, if I'm gonna be honest, I think, like, you've. You've just been going through a lot of, like, figuring out yourself and, like, figuring out just, like, I think you're just, honestly, both of us. But you were going through, like, a deeper level of awakening, like, we have been going through, like, a deeper level of awakening, and I just feel like there's been. It's not that there was any problem that day, but, like, I can see why it manifested in the way it did. Yeah.
[00:08:50] Speaker B: You can see in hindsight, but, like, on the day, no, nothing was fine.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: We had, like, a nice light, we.
[00:08:55] Speaker B: Were having, like, normal conversations. Everything was fine. Like, I just, there were things I was resisting looking at that were happening in the background that were accumulating. But for some reason in that energy session, it's like when I put my head on the bed, it all just came up. Like everything that I had been resisting, everything that I wasn't looking at, it was like everything came up to be seen. And it, like, hit me like a ton of bricks. And it freaked me out. Yeah, it freaked me out that all of that was, like, within me and it was everything. Like, I can't even tell you exactly what it was because it was everything. Like, it was like, resistance. It was a lot of, like, basically it was all of this, like, fear coming from a deep rooted fear that I've had to sit with for the last, like, since that moment that was coming back to something that I've known was there and I've been working on in layers, but it came up with a vengeance, which was deep fear for life. Like, deep fear of living life. Because what if something bad happens and I can't handle it? Yeah, right? What if something bad goes wrong? Like, something bad happens and it goes wrong and, like, what the fuck am I gonna do then?
[00:10:11] Speaker A: Yeah, and it's like, it's actually funny because, like, when you are, I'm so careful with what I say now, but because you have, over the last year, consciously been creating your life, it's like you've actually seen, you've moved. You've shifted out of being a depressed, unhappy person to a beautiful place where it's like, oh, my, my life doesn't actually have to be depressing, blah, blah, blah. And then you get a taste of actually happiness. You get a taste of, you know, like, I'm going to use an example of, like, no longer being in relationships where the person says something in a deeply. You have moot, you have done a lot of shadow work and you're at this place where you're happy. But then along those lines, it's like you get scared because it's like life gets a little bit better and you're like, like, that's what I've noticed. Like, the more life get good gets good, the more you can latch on to, like, well, I don't want this being taken away from me.
[00:11:05] Speaker B: And that's exactly what's been happening. It's like the more I keep up leveling, the more attached I feel to what I have, and then I, like, it's like, it basically ended up, like, coming up with a vengeance in that particular healing session. So she's, like, doing all this work on me, and all of these feelings are coming up, right? All of this shit is coming up, and I'm just like. And I can't, like, sit with it, and I'm freaking out, and then I, at the end of it, I'm not feeling good. I'm not feeling good at all. And she could tell, like, she's obviously, she can feel energy. She knew I wasn't good. She was like, you need to come back for another one. Like, she was like, you're not good, babe. But she was, like, trying to talk to me about what was coming up or whatever, and I just knew, like, I love her, but, like, for me, I was like, I need to get out of here because I'm just really particular of, like, who I get advice from and who I talk to just because I've been in this industry for a long time, and I know, like, a lot of people, like, can give advice from their ego self, so I'm really, like, specific and particular with who I get advice from.
[00:12:06] Speaker A: Predominantly, we're all giving advice from, from the past.
[00:12:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:10] Speaker A: And our past experiences in our exact point. So it's like, yeah, you gotta be careful.
[00:12:16] Speaker B: But there are like, yeah. So for me, like, for you, you're some, you're a person that I love to talk to because you see the world through my lens and you don't based, you don't like, babe, I will.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: Tell you that it's you. Yeah.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: And you will, like, also, like, yeah, you'll call me out on bullshit. You know, shadow work. Like, I do. Like, it's different. Like, do you know what I mean? So I wanted to talk to you, and I knew that, and I knew nads was picking me up. I knew she was waiting outside, so I'm in that, and, like, at the end of it, I'm like, I'm not okay, but I, like, I'm not available for this conversation because I'm like, I need to go. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I need to talk to Nadia. Like, type of vibe, right? It was just like, I can't have this conversation. Like, I'm going to completely break down. So I was just, like, I was just trying to hold my shit together. Like, tears were coming in, and I was just like, mm hmm, mm hmm. And, like, I'm telling you, she's so powerful at what she does, but it was just this.
[00:13:07] Speaker A: Yeah, that's.
[00:13:08] Speaker B: Yeah, it was just literally just like a.
In terms of who I talk to to work through things, I'm, like, just very specific with who that is. Right. And I'm sure she would have, like, held space and that would have been fine, but, yeah, I just knew. I'm like, I need to talk to Nadia. So I, like, at the end, like, at the end of it, I just kind of, like, rushed out of there and I'm like, thank you so much. Love her. So good. And then I ran to Nadia and I just literally get into the car and I'm just like, like crying my fucking eyes out. Like a baby. Yeah, like a fucking baby. This girl has seen me go into this healing session being like, it's my birthday. La la la la la.
[00:13:42] Speaker A: Yeah, that's it. And I'm just like, I'm in the car, like, with my music and pumping, picking her up, and I'm just like, you okay?
[00:13:48] Speaker B: And then I walk in and I'm just like. And then you're like, all right, best friend, hat on.
[00:13:53] Speaker A: Yeah, that's it.
[00:13:53] Speaker B: So that was genuinely the point where it all started. So it's like, I was fine, but it's like these things were building up in the background and I wasn't just consciously aware of it. And then I go into that healing session and literally, like, smack bang slapped in the face with all of this anxiety. And I want to talk about, like, I've already touched on this a bit, but I want to, like, really dive into, like, what I was experiencing because I genuinely feel like I'm going through my next wave of awakening.
[00:14:25] Speaker A: You could say that.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: You could say that Nadia is, like, going through it with me. Yeah, we are definitely going through it together.
[00:14:35] Speaker A: Just learning surrender on another level.
[00:14:36] Speaker B: But anyway, yeah, it's like, so basically, after that point in time, I basically crumbled.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:45] Speaker B: And it was everything in my life that I was, like, I was becoming afraid of. Like, I'm talking, I started to explain, experience anxiety from that point forward, from that healing, because I ended up entering a stage of resisting everything that I was seeing because I was met with so much fear of what ifs. What if? So, like, the things that were coming up, for example, were like, what if I lose my partner? Like, as in, like, what if, like, we break up? What if I lose the relationship? Then what? What will I do with myself? And I was genuinely getting taken by these thought spirals. So I'd go into, like, going into those scenarios where I was, like, trying to, like, walk myself, like, talk myself out of it where I was like, okay, well, if that happens, then it'll be fine, because I'll do this, and then x, y, and z, and then I'll be like, okay, now I feel a little bit better. But then what happens if this happens? And then it was, like, going into another thing.
[00:15:37] Speaker A: And I think, like, this comes back to, like, something we were saying this morning. Like, I feel like, obviously, there's different stages of the awakening, and I think, like, and there's no right or wrong, but, you know, when we.
This can be the problem when you learn that you're the creator of your reality. Because I think, like, like, we do learn very much about manifest. Like, when you have an awakening, it's very much like we can manifest our own reality. We can have our desires and all these things, and then what happens is we try to control outcomes because we know that we are. We can create them, and we.
[00:16:11] Speaker B: And this.
[00:16:12] Speaker A: And at the moment, like, that's like, something we're navigating is, like, with being the creator of your reality and always being in this state of, like, avoiding things, avoiding certain things happening in your reality with your mind and trying to change them, because you can create your reality, and you do create your reality. What happened over time is there was a lot of resistance, and a lot of the work went to trying to prevent certain things in our lives and your lives from happening, which sometimes they were right. Like, there was, like, a deep surrender and they were changing, but it just, like, they got. It got to this point where, like, all these fears you were trying to work through all these fears and all these underlying feelings of all the what ifs that could happen in life from a place of trying to stop them from happening.
[00:16:56] Speaker B: Yeah, that's exactly what was happening.
[00:16:58] Speaker A: And how long do you last in that energy? Not that long.
[00:17:01] Speaker B: Not long at all.
[00:17:02] Speaker A: Look, we love that, being the creator of your reality and all of those things, and, like, we've taught it. But when there is some deep levels of attachment to not being okay in the present moment and not being okay with certain things happening to you and you try to change them through the.
[00:17:18] Speaker B: Law of attraction, I do believe that we're still the creator.
[00:17:22] Speaker A: We are.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: Even if you know what I mean. Like, I just feel like all in.
[00:17:26] Speaker A: All, it is all creation. It's just a different way. It's like you're trying to. We all.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: It's.
[00:17:31] Speaker A: It's all creation. But the. The way that we were going about it, and even I, you, with these fears is I'm going to create a scenario that this doesn't happen because I think that this is the best outcome and this is how I avoid my pain.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. That was, like, where the distortion was coming in. So I was, like, I was creating all of these amazing experiences for myself that I was desperately trying to hold on to that I was so afraid of losing, to the point where I then created situations in which I lost those things 100%, like, like, in which I. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I. For example, if I was so afraid of having a slow month, then I'll create a slow month in my business because. And I did because I was like, okay, I'm so afraid of this happening. I need to prove to myself that I'm going to be okay if it does happen, and then it does happen, and then I'm like, see, I'm going to be okay. It's, like, almost like I'm creating this issue to make myself see that I'm gonna be okay, to have that, like, lens of control. Because for me, it actually got to a point where, like, when I was sitting with this and that, like, all of this resistance came up, basically. Like, the resistance came up to the point of having the worst anxiety that I've ever had in my entire life. Like, being, like, back to, like, when I first got initiated into my spiritual awakening in the first place. And there's kind of, like, a full circle moment as I'm saying this now, because this, like, I feel like I'm going through a next level of awakening. But, like, what brought me to this world and my initial awakening was my panic attacks, was my anxiety, was living my life like this. I was so afraid of life, and I was in constant worry and stress. And honestly, like, I'm like, I just need to be fucking happy. And, like, I'm so, like, I got to such a low point that I started meditating to be happy, not to do anything, not to achieve anything, not to create. I didn't even know you can create your own reality. I was just like, I need to be happy.
[00:19:24] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:24] Speaker B: And that's what I did. And I finally. I remember that. Oh, I remember it. It was so beautiful. Like, that time where I fully felt peace and freedom. Like, through doing my practices regularly, like, I finally felt what it. What it was like to live without fear.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:40] Speaker B: To live in presence, to live, like, in commune with, like, just, like, your soul and just knowing, like, it was. I was completely surrendered to the experience of life. I didn't care where I was. I was in a job that I didn't like, I was getting bullied. None of that mattered to me because I was like, oh, my God, I'm so fucking happy. Like, I was so present and sure, like, you know, I was so here and, yeah, with that, like, that. That level of anxiety I was met with this time round, so this time round, it's different. I'm in this space. I'm taking clients, I'm holding clients, and I'm teaching about creating your reality and teaching people about ego and shadows and, you know, like, you know, energy and things like that. And I am going through the worst experience that's like, another layer of your.
[00:20:30] Speaker A: Ego was dying that you didn't know that was there.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: I'm going through the worst awakening ever. Like, I'm like, I'm dying. I'm going through panic attacks. I swear to God, I was waking up on some mornings. Like, there was one day where I was literally, like, I'm. I don't know. I can't get through this. I called that day. You called me, remember? You were on the phone to me, and you were, like, helping me, and I was, like, crying and crying and crying, and you were, like, trying to, like, help me, and I. Nadia would, like, knew she could see what was going on. She was really trying to get me to, like, sit with the pain and not resist the pain, but I kept resisting the fear because I just created all these situations where everything, like, all these situations in which my life was going wrong.
[00:21:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:10] Speaker B: And I was resisting your ego thought was going wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nothing happened. I was creating these scenarios, and then Nadia was helping, like, trying to get me to see that I was resisting, but I didn't even have the eyes to seize, and nads was literally, like, holding me on the phone, like, trying to, like, help me through it, but it was fucked. And I was holding clients through this experience, and I can't. Like, I was waking up on some days and I was, like, literally wanting to give people a fucking refund. I was like, who the fuck am I to be teaching this if I'm back here?
[00:21:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:43] Speaker B: And that's what I was feeling.
[00:21:44] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think, like, I just want to touch on this topic as well, because a lot of this is. This is the thing, like, with what you are navigating and what you are creating is, like, very much in, like. And this is not. This isn't about saying these things are wrong and these things are right and things like that. But what happens when, and this is what you were doing, right. Just looks in a different lens. And I want to use money as an example. What happens when you, because we know if you're listening, the chances are, you know about law of attraction, you know about manifestation, you know, you can create abundance.
[00:22:18] Speaker B: Listen to this podcast, otherwise I don't.
[00:22:20] Speaker A: Think you'd be listening to this podcast otherwise. But what happens when you have desires and you have wants from a place of attachment need, fear is you try to manifest them to avoid something. So for example, money, if you are uncomfortable with your bank account being on a certain amount or whatever, you will try to manifest more to fulfill that. But then it never gets fulfilled because it will go to the next field because that's just how your brain works. And very much like if you in the space of manifestation, we. It can be really easy to be tripped up on. It's easy to full listen to the content. It is easy to listen to all of this and get tripped up through attachment because, you know, you're the creator. And like, that's just as, I was just like, adding to what you were saying. Like, the epitome of all of this has really come back down to, like, there were things in your life, and even mine, that you were resisting to create because you were so scared of it happening. But that's not true happiness, that's not true freedom.
[00:23:26] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, sorry, I feel like I got a little bit lost with what you shared there at the end.
[00:23:34] Speaker A: No, I'm just like, basically reiterating what happened. So I was just using a simple example of, like, you were trying to create circum. You were in fear of what you've been doing. And what got you to this point of all these things coming to the surface is because you were so in resistant with these things that to happen and you used the law of attraction to kind of like, overcome them.
[00:23:56] Speaker B: Mm hmm.
[00:23:57] Speaker A: You know what I mean?
[00:23:58] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:23:58] Speaker A: I'm just using a simple exit example so they can relate to their life where they're like, oh, yeah, like manifestation with money. I'm trying to manifest more money and.
[00:24:06] Speaker B: So that I can.
[00:24:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I was just trying to go to like a simple outcome so you can understand, like, yeah, yeah. The depths of.
[00:24:12] Speaker B: Yeah, this feel was like a, it was like a deep, like, I'm like, I was like, remember feeling, because when I sat through the anxiety, so I'm like, I'm having to hold clients through this. I'm feeling the worst I've ever felt. I'm getting up on days and I'm, like, making it my mission not to project this onto my clients. I was like, I will not fucking do that. And I also, like, like, my clients are having, like, wins and shit like that. I had one client reach out and tell me that she had no. Like, she had no idea that I was going through this. And she's like, holy shit. And I was like, oh, that makes me so happy to fucking hear. Because I really, really tried. When I was, like, with my clients, I'm like, I'm here with my clients, and I'm going to fucking show up and be the mentor I said that I am, and I'm going to be. And then, like, when that period was closed, then I would, like, go into my Heidi hole and be like, what the fuck?
[00:25:00] Speaker A: Yeah. And if you're like, I think, like, if you are an entrepreneur, I think it's like, this is so important that you share that, because what happens is, like, life is always going to happen. Like, life is going to. Things are going to happen. Shit's going to go wrong, and things like that. And if you're constantly in this state of, like, I'm not worthy, I can't keep moving forward, or I've got something that's happened to a family member, so I have to ghost my business. Like, you won't get anywhere.
[00:25:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:25] Speaker A: Like, a big part of, like, even what we were sharing in the last episode is, like, you need to be able to move forward. Forward through contractions in life.
[00:25:32] Speaker B: Yeah, for sure.
[00:25:33] Speaker A: And be. The whole journey of this life is being open. And if you're contracting, you close off every single time, then not even, like, you'll never reach your goals. Cause, like, I don't even wanna say that. You just won't ever really.
[00:25:45] Speaker B: You don't move.
[00:25:46] Speaker A: You don't move.
[00:25:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:48] Speaker A: You don't go with the flow of.
[00:25:49] Speaker B: We've done that. We've been in that period when I remember early on in our businesses, we would spend months talking about fears that we weren't moving through that. We were, like, just, like, talking about. And it was just like, babe, move through the contraction. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Get the fuck up your little booties.
[00:26:08] Speaker A: Because you'll realize, like, a lot of your fears that you have and a lot of your doubt that you have gets shifted through moving.
[00:26:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:16] Speaker A: Because it's like, you've realized that.
[00:26:18] Speaker B: Well, I think that was, like, that's something I said to Naz. I'm like, throughout this time, like, while I wanted to, like, give people refunds at some points, like, on days, I was like, refund, I can't show up. But, like I said to you, at the end of it all, I'm like, those. Like, my clients were like, lifelines for me. They were just, like, literally lifelined in this. They kept me, like, they kept me anchored to the work. And it was a really amazing opportunity for me to hold duality, multiple things being true at the same time. You know what I mean? Like, being able to hold space and see people celebrating while I'm going through a negative experience. But not, like, negative experience, but, like, a difficult experience.
[00:26:56] Speaker A: I'm saying everything is subjective.
[00:26:57] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's like, it was just a difficult experience, but, like, to be able to go through that and to hold somebody in light and love and excitement and celebration was, like, really special. And it was a really big, like, growth moment. And it's like, it was just. It was a nice moment to say that. Okay, you can still move through contraction.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: You can still move through contraction. You can still be happy for someone through your own shit. You can still.
[00:27:21] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
[00:27:23] Speaker A: You can still keep moving.
[00:27:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:25] Speaker A: Incredible.
[00:27:25] Speaker B: It's nice. Yeah. And, yeah, basically, that's what happened. So I was in this situation where I was, like, starting to. So I was having, like, really bad anxiety, like, panic attack anxiety, and I realized it's because I was fighting my. All of my resistance, so I'd have fear. What happens if I have to leave my partner? What happens if life takes the business away from me? What happens if I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah happens? Right? So all of these fears, because it was like. And I was, as. I was, like, sitting with all of the fear, I realized, oh, my God. Okay, I can't keep talking myself out of all of these things. I need to just witness what the voice is saying and sit with it, as uncomfortable as it is. And I just kept sitting with it. I kept moving through the panic and the anxiety, and I was just, like, in that for the foreseeable future, I was like, there's no timeline. There's no expectation on when I'm supposed to move out of this. I will move when I move. Right. And I was just like, I'm just gonna be with it. So I'm just being with it, and I'm just, like, surrendering to the experience. I'm still, like, doing what I can do in my business when the energy was there, and I was just like, I'm just. Whatever. And when I was, like, really sitting with this, and I stopped responding and I stopped taking myself into anxiety spirals, and I started to just, like, feel a bit more grounded. I started to see where this voice was coming from, and it was coming from this, like, deepen fear about, like, life is polarity. And that's, like, a deep, like, belief I have. Like, life is both, like, positive and negative. So I was like, naturally, when things are going good, there will be experiences that aren't so good. And my ego could not get good with that. My ego could not get comfortable with that.
[00:29:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:00] Speaker B: Because my ego was like, well, what's the point then?
I know it sounds so dramatic, but that's genuinely how I felt. I'm like, well, what's the point if I can't, like, control my life? If I can't, like, if I can't, like, make sure that every experience is dandy all the time. Even though I know that, like, I've been through negative experiences, I've been through hard things. Negative. I keep saying negative, but, like, I'm just trying to. Yeah, like, hard situations, and they've led to me growing and being the most, like, um. Like, just a better version of myself. Like, they've led to that. And that's why I was always, like, stuck in this, like, fight with myself, because I'm like, but I've transmuted those experiences and I'm actually grateful for them. Like, I genuinely am. I can sit there and be like, wow, if that. Like, if my stepdad and my mom never broke up, I would have never had my awakening.
[00:29:50] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:51] Speaker B: My mom and I's relationship wouldn't be where it is right now. Like, there's just so many things that I'm like, wow, they were so. They're difficult. They were hard. I did lose people through that process. But fuck, I became more of myself. Right? Yeah. I became more of myself. I became more embodied so.
[00:30:06] Speaker A: Because I think I know what, like, why the fear was.
[00:30:09] Speaker B: No, I do know why the fear is there, because, like, I've, like, this whole journey I've been. Because it's not that. It's not that. It's like. It's. I. It's around the spiritual awakening journey. Because I was like, wow, does this mean, like, you know, because I kept fighting with this same, like, story, and I'm just like, it's not this story. Yeah. So this entire time, I'm fighting with this story that I think it's because, like, I'm afraid of bad things happening. And the reason why that wasn't getting me anywhere, because that wasn't the root of the story, the root of the story was, oh, I believe that in order for me to evolve on this path spiritually, it may and, like, continue making my life great like I have been. It means I have to continue to go through hard things.
[00:30:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:49] Speaker B: Life has to knock me on my ass in order for me to get back up again.
[00:30:52] Speaker A: That was the stories, like, when we spoke about you, like, believing the hero story. So, like, in every successful person has, like, a bad story or a sad story or something bad's happened to them and. Yeah. Like, I think, like, sometimes you get brainwashed because you see online, like, I got. I'm successful, but do you know what it took to get here and.
[00:31:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:11] Speaker A: The things that I had to let go of and.
[00:31:13] Speaker B: But it wasn't even, like, the hero story. It wasn't like, oh, I have to go through something so fucked up and get here. It was more of, like, I have to continue to go through fucked up things.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:31:21] Speaker B: In order to become more of myself.
[00:31:23] Speaker A: Yeah. And you were scared of that journey.
[00:31:25] Speaker B: Yeah. Cause I was like, I don't. I'm scared. I don't want to keep. I'm scared of this being hard. Like, how long do I have to do this for?
[00:31:31] Speaker A: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:31:32] Speaker B: Like, when does it just get to be good? Like, that was the. That was the energy.
[00:31:37] Speaker A: And I think, like, 100% I agree. And I think, like.
And, like, this is separate, and I'm just, like, adding to what you're saying. Yeah, but I think, like, another piece, like, for me, in my experience as well, is, like, when I found I was the creator of my reality, I became scared of my own shit because, like, my own brain. So it's like, I, like, my fears. I was, like, scared of. Because I'm thinking of manifest.
[00:32:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:05] Speaker A: So it was like, I.
I feel like before my awakening, there is, like, I had fears, but I not knowing I was the creator and things like that, I was in this energy of, like, well, that's probably just thought or that's probably just like that. But I got it. I got really stuck into this mindset.
[00:32:22] Speaker B: Of, like, if I weren't like that. You keep thinking that you were, like, prior to your awakening, babe. You weren't. We bonded over anxiety.
[00:32:29] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm not saying I didn't have anxiety or the fear. Like, I was scared it would happen.
[00:32:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:34] Speaker A: But it got to another level when I had the law, knew about the law of attraction, because I'm like. Like, this was at the start of my waking. I'm like, when you think that every thought creates your reality. Yeah, I got even worse because I'm like, okay, I have these fears. And that went from, like, it could happen and I'm scared of it happening to, oh, I'm thinking it. Fuck, yeah.
[00:32:53] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. I was just, like, afraid of your mind.
[00:32:56] Speaker A: Obviously, we're evolved past that, and that's not what manifestation is. But, yeah, it's, like, goes deep.
[00:33:04] Speaker B: Yeah, goes deep. It does go deep. It's like, it. Yeah, you become, like, obsessed with. Where's my thoughts at? Where's my vibration now? Like, and to be honest, like, even I was stuck in that, like, for a fucking while. Do you know what I mean? Like, just getting, like, so fucking overly caught up.
[00:33:20] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Your brain, like, headache.
[00:33:22] Speaker B: Literally was giving me a fucking headache. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And then I felt like, yeah. I just felt, yeah, it's crazy. Genuinely, like, cut to. I came head to head with this fear of, like, oh, my God. In order for me, because I was, like, resenting the spiritual path. Like, resenting this work. And I was like, why am I resenting this work? Like, this is so weird. Where is this coming from? So it was. It's so funny because as I say this, I swear to you when I say that nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. I literally just, like, had this, like. Like, I want to say a midlife crisis, but, like, literally a quarter life.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: Crisis plus a few years.
[00:33:57] Speaker B: Yeah, literally plus a few years. Fuck me. It was wild. I, like, sat on that bed and all of this came up, and I'm just like, it was you.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: It's like, nothing happened. But you were, like, taken by the potentiality of it.
[00:34:12] Speaker B: I was taken by just that deep rooted fear and just resentment for this path. You know what? It was like, I forgot to mention the Saturn return.
That really fucked me. Like, knowing that we were entering our Saturn return. I think, like, that was a bit, because I was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna go through so much shit, blah, blah, blah. Like, I literally went on this, like. But that was, like, a big part of the anxiety. I'm like, what's the point? I don't want to live. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this path. I want to give up.
[00:34:41] Speaker A: Blah, blah, blah. Why are you responding to the mind?
[00:34:44] Speaker B: I was really responding to the mind. I got taken by it completely.
[00:34:47] Speaker A: I remember when you called me, if I'm being honest, I was, like, a bit scared. I was like, no, where are you?
[00:34:52] Speaker B: Yeah, I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I was scared.
[00:34:55] Speaker A: I was just so. I got a bit scared that night.
[00:34:57] Speaker B: Because I, like, that was that Monday? That was, like, the worst of day for me.
[00:35:00] Speaker A: Yeah, you got a bit dissociated.
[00:35:02] Speaker B: I got dissociated. I completely lost my sense of self. I cannot believe I'm laughing, looking back at it, because nothing happened. Nothing happened. I got so lost in my mind. It was really scary. And then I started to get PTSD from that experience. As I was, like, coming back to myself. I started to get PTSD because I'm like, that could happen at any moment. I could get lost again in that and blah, blah, blah, babe. I know mine. Fuck me. It was a whirlwind. And I'm just like. I'm trying to be as honest as I can with you in regards to how it was, but, like, that's, like, the level of psychoticness.
[00:35:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, that's what happens when you respond to the thoughts.
[00:35:36] Speaker B: That's what happens when you respond to the fucking.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: When you're identified with your ego.
[00:35:40] Speaker B: Oh, my God. It was wild, wild experience. But I am learning that, like, I'm so grateful for it because, like, it has led to this level of awakening, which, you know, all those moments always do.
[00:35:55] Speaker A: Yeah, I.
[00:35:56] Speaker B: And it's basically this, like, next iteration of our lives, of our journey, which is, like, surrender.
[00:36:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:05] Speaker B: And I've been really, like, reflecting on this because I'm like, okay. So much of the spiritual journey for us has been, like, liberation.
[00:36:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:12] Speaker B: Freedom. Finding that, like, for so long, I was bound, like, by the limits of my own mind and society.
[00:36:20] Speaker A: And I thought, I feel like society mostly.
[00:36:22] Speaker B: Yeah. For me, it was my mind as well, because it's like, I genuinely put myself down so much. Like, I just didn't let myself dream and want. You know what I mean? So, like, for me, it was like, you know what? Fuck this. I get to do what I get to do. I get to, like, create a life that I desire. I get to live an unconventional lifestyle. And that was, like, liberating. And that was so fun. And that, like, you know, it's been so fun. It is so fun. Right? And I'm just like. I've been in that. And then it got to what Nadia has been describing, this, like, attachment to the creation process.
[00:36:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:53] Speaker B: And it was like, whoa, okay, now we've gotten a bit like, what the fuck? Like, I'm not having fun anymore. When I'm obsessing over everything, every outcome, every little thing that happens, it's like, whoa, hold the fuck on.
[00:37:08] Speaker A: And I feel like that, like, I don't know to what extent you were, like, in a touch meant recently, but I feel like I've lost what I was gonna say. It completely left. Go on.
[00:37:22] Speaker B: It left you.
[00:37:23] Speaker A: It left me.
[00:37:25] Speaker B: I forgot what I was gonna say now.
[00:37:27] Speaker A: You were saying.
Yeah. You got to a point where you realized that, like. Yeah, as I was saying before and I touched on this episode, you were just sharing it. Just like, when you know that you're the co creator of your reality, it can get a little bit.
[00:37:42] Speaker B: You can get control. Yeah. You can get control of unattached.
[00:37:46] Speaker A: You're. Just. Because you. Yes. With your mind can manifest a certain outcome, and through belief, there is still pain in not being able to surrender to what is.
[00:37:57] Speaker B: Yeah. And that, honestly, has been, like, my next level of awakening, because I'm like, okay, I can see that there's deep fear that I have to go through hard things in order to evolve spiritually and to continue my path like this and continue being the teacher, the mentor, the guide.
And I was, like, seeing that, and I could see that I was resisting a lot of, like, potential negative experiences that could happen to me. And I was like, okay. So with that knowledge, with that, like, what am I going to do going forward, right. So it's like, I got to this place where I'm like, okay, well, in order for me, like, I have to get good with every possible outcome in order for me to go forward powerfully. Right. Without, like, holding myself back and having my heart closed to life.
[00:38:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:38:44] Speaker B: Because that's what was happening. I was closing off my heart.
[00:38:46] Speaker A: Yeah. It's like, I'm too scared if this doesn't happen. And I think, like, a big thing was anything.
[00:38:52] Speaker B: No, it's not. Like, not even this doesn't happen. It's. I'm scared if bad things happen. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah.
[00:39:00] Speaker A: Can. I've lost my train of thought.
[00:39:02] Speaker B: Literally.
[00:39:03] Speaker A: I was just about to say, holy crap.
Sometimes when, you know, when you're in something, it feels longer. Like, the recording feels like. I'm like, we've been here for, like.
[00:39:14] Speaker B: A whole ten minutes, and then I listen to myself, I'm like, that's, like, point 10 seconds.
Oh, my God.
[00:39:22] Speaker A: Nah, it's fully gone.
[00:39:26] Speaker B: Maybe it'll come back.
[00:39:27] Speaker A: Maybe it'll come back.
[00:39:29] Speaker B: You keep doing this now. I know, but. Yeah, no, like, this, like, got to the point for me where I was like, okay, you have no choice now, Jules, but to, like, you have to get okay with the potentiality of bad things happening.
[00:39:43] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:44] Speaker B: And you have to have your heart. It's. The thing is, I do know I'm gonna be okay, but it's like, it kind of like while I knew I was gonna be okay, I kept creating bad things happening. So that's what was happening. That's the level of control I got to where I created outcomes that would lead to bad things happening. So I could keep proving to myself that I was gonna be okay with bad things happening. So I would literally create situations to show myself. You're gonna be okay no matter what. You know, I mean, like, a slow income month. You're gonna be okay no matter what, shawls. And I'm just like, whoa, I can't keep doing this. Like, this is not fun. I'm not having fun creating like this. It feels too control. Live now. Yeah.
[00:40:22] Speaker A: That's what I was about to say. That's what the train of thought was. I'm like, I'm not like creation to a whole new level. It's creation in attachment.
[00:40:30] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's just like, it feels like, as I've been sitting with this and as I've been, like, integrating this energy, it feels like I'm ready to enter this next phase of my evolution of my life and of, like, this path through this lens of.
I get to sit back and I get to allow life to life.
[00:40:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:40:51] Speaker B: I get to allow life to be what it needs to be.
[00:40:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:40:54] Speaker B: And what I'm saying here, I'm being really mindful. I'm not saying I'm going to allow life to life because life's always got my back because I used to say life's always got my back from an energy of, like, bad things are going to happen. Right.
[00:41:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:41:07] Speaker B: That wasn't power.
[00:41:08] Speaker A: Only good things can happen or whatever.
[00:41:09] Speaker B: Only good things can happen. It's like, I don't know what this, like, I don't know what life can bring me when I step back like this, and I'm just, like, you know, just fully focusing on. Yeah. Like, presence, like, and it's so uncomfortable.
[00:41:23] Speaker A: To the ego because we're so, like, in the past and we're so in the future, and it's like, what do you mean? Yeah, just like, you're in this moment and you're like, well, yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. And I don't.
[00:41:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:33] Speaker A: Like, not this need to be in needing anything literally in this moment.
[00:41:40] Speaker B: Yeah. So that's genuinely what's coming through for me right now, where I'm like, okay, can I let go of any potential outcome, both desire, both negative possibilities, all of it, right now. And can I truly find desire in this, like, now, current moment, be in this moment, be in this present moment, have my heart up to this moment right now, in each moment that I have live my life through that lens and trust that life will bring me what I need.
[00:42:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:42:07] Speaker B: And that feels different to how I've been moving, how I've been creating.
[00:42:11] Speaker A: That feels very different to what is mostly taught.
[00:42:15] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, it's like. And I feel like that iteration of my life was needed.
[00:42:19] Speaker A: Yeah, of course.
[00:42:20] Speaker B: Because it's like I needed to show myself that there was possibility that I could, you know, my energy, like, my energy creates worlds and things like that. I needed to see that, but now it feels like a.
I'm ready to take a step back and do this now and, like, more detached and surrendered way. Yeah. You know what I mean?
[00:42:38] Speaker A: Where I'm just like, new way of living your life.
[00:42:41] Speaker B: Yeah. And it feels better because it feels like, okay, now I don't have to resist the potential things that could happen to me. I can just learn from them and receive from them and, like, have my heart open to those experiences.
[00:42:51] Speaker A: Yes, 100%.
[00:42:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:42:53] Speaker A: I love that.
[00:42:54] Speaker B: Yeah. Does that make sense? Did I explain that properly? Because I hope I didn't, like, jump all over the place. No.
[00:42:59] Speaker A: Well, to me, you did.
[00:43:00] Speaker B: Right.
I just. Yeah.
[00:43:03] Speaker A: For them and, like, they get what they need out of it.
[00:43:06] Speaker B: Yeah. I just really wanted to, like, take you through the journey of what happened and where I've ended up. And now it's, like, this new iteration. I don't know what it's gonna be. I don't know what it's gonna bring, but I'm, like, excited to learn and to share what I learned with you.
[00:43:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:43:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:43:21] Speaker A: And it's just, like, basically in resistance in, you were in this place of resistance for the fears and all of those things, and you were trying to avoid them through the creation process. And now you're just really in this phase of, like, I need to deepen my surrender in trusting that life is gonna bring me what I need.
[00:43:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:43:46] Speaker A: Not what you want. What you need.
[00:43:48] Speaker B: Yeah, what I need. Like, what's meant for me.
[00:43:51] Speaker A: Yeah, what's meant for me, good or bad?
[00:43:53] Speaker B: Like, sit with that for a second. Literally, sit with that and see what happens in your body when you hear that.
[00:44:00] Speaker A: Can you just let good or bad.
[00:44:02] Speaker B: Can you just let life be? A lot of you are going to say, fuck no. Right? Your body is going to contract at that and be like, what do you mean? Right. It's like, because that's, like, the level of attachment you've got to how things need to look.
[00:44:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:44:14] Speaker B: And, like, I don't know. Ask yourself, like, why is that there? Why are you so afraid for life to just show you what you need? You know what I mean?
[00:44:24] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:44:25] Speaker B: What would it be like to just, like, let go and have my heart open to this experience?
[00:44:29] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:44:29] Speaker B: Like, and that means.
[00:44:30] Speaker A: Yeah, it means all of it.
[00:44:32] Speaker B: It means all of it. The good, the bad, all of it.
[00:44:36] Speaker A: All of it.
[00:44:37] Speaker B: And that, for me, when I first, like, heard that, I rejected that. I've been rejecting that for a while.
[00:44:42] Speaker A: It's not the first time you've heard it, babe.
[00:44:45] Speaker B: What are you talking about? This is, like, the spontaneous. I'm just like, there will be no better surrender. No, it's funny because it's like, I was, like, I was embodying aspects of this. Obviously, I was.
[00:44:57] Speaker A: Where you are in your life and business. You had it.
[00:44:59] Speaker B: Exactly. But this is, like, next level. It's like, she'll see. Take a fucking backseat.
[00:45:06] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think there'll be. There'll be moments where you. You are feeling the pull to create something or whatever, but it's just not gonna be the energy you've been in.
[00:45:15] Speaker B: I don't know. Like, I. Like, we've been saying, I'm like, I'm just gonna let it, like, be. And I don't know what it's gonna look like. I don't know. Like, let's just fucking take the backseat.
Like, I just believe my consciousness, my intuition I've experienced.
She knows what I want. Right? She knows, like, she. She honestly knows better than me.
[00:45:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:45:35] Speaker B: That's what I've been saying to Nadia as well. She does know better than me. She knows more of what I want. There's so much that my ego thought that I wanted that I didn't actually want that. I created, like, oh, fucking so much shit. Right? I created a whole business that I didn't actually want.
[00:45:47] Speaker A: I've got a quote about surrender that I wanted to share, because a lot of people think surrender is, like, giving up. Either people think surrender is just giving up completely, just not what it is, or you're just letting go of the how. And I think, like, it's deeper than that. And I actually got a quote the other day.
[00:46:09] Speaker B: It is deeper than that.
[00:46:10] Speaker A: It's much deeper. It's much deeper than that.
[00:46:12] Speaker B: We'll do an episode on it once we've like, integrated it. Yeah. So much deeper than that.
[00:46:17] Speaker A: Yeah. So the quote is surrender isn't about giving up, it's about opening up, it's about loosening the grip on how I think things should be. And, like, the quote's not even finished. I was about to say something. That's my Gemini brain. So it says it's. It's about losing the grip on. Grip on how things should be.
I. How I think things should be. Entering a deeper conversation, discovering magic within a different reality that I've previously been willing to receive. Surrender doesn't mean disengage. That's why surrender is so hard. It means engaging feeling and participating, but not going to control what happens next.
[00:46:51] Speaker B: Who said that?
[00:46:53] Speaker A: I don't know her name.
Nicole Erickson.
[00:46:58] Speaker B: We should link her. Yeah, yeah.
[00:47:01] Speaker A: It's honestly a powerful way to live where you're just like, I don't need to control what happens tomorrow. Yeah, right. And it doesn't mean that, like, you know, if you're having a business and that means, like, you don't care about anything, it means you're open to all of it and not controlling how you think things need to look.
[00:47:17] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. I can't wait to, like, integrate these new clothes and not.
[00:47:22] Speaker A: It feels exciting where it's like, oh, it could come in this way and it could come in this way.
Generally, I don't know, know how any of this is going to look. Like not just being fixated on could come in this. Yeah, obviously what you desire can come in many different ways. This is like a deeper level and like, I just want to reiterate, it is. I don't know what's best for me sometimes.
[00:47:47] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, genuinely, I don't actually know what's best for me and that's the truth. You genuinely don't?
[00:47:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:47:52] Speaker B: Like, how many things have you chosen that you thought you wanted and then you created and then you're like, ah, I didn't actually want that. Do you know what I mean? I didn't actually. You know what I mean?
[00:48:01] Speaker A: So it's a. Taking a step back to going, like, I don't need to control what I think I want, I don't need to. I'm just open to all of it.
[00:48:07] Speaker B: Yeah, that's what it feels like and, yeah, I think we'll share more. As I said, like, when we're more integrated and we've, like, embodied this and, yeah, we have our own codes to share on it because I think it's still landing. We ended up reading because, like, through this whole journey, it's like I've been deepening into this, and I've been sitting with this and I've been surrendering. And then I got led to read the surrender experiment by Michael. What's his name? Singer.
[00:48:34] Speaker A: Michael Singer. Yeah.
[00:48:35] Speaker B: Michael Singer. So good. If you want your whole life to be turned upside down, read it. It's about this man's life who. He lived his life like this, where he just allowed life to show him the way. And it led to the most, like, insane fucking experiences like this, man. Oh, my goodness. It's such a good story. I won't ruin it for you. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. But that, like, has, like, now kick started this, like, next. Like, you know, it's like, yeah, so it's like all of that happened, and then it led me to, like, you know, letting go. Because I was letting go. I was letting go. I was letting go. I was learning to surrender. And now I was met with that book, and now I'm like, whoa, this is next level surrender.
[00:49:17] Speaker A: It's like another level of surrender. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, the surrender I was doing was very much like.
[00:49:24] Speaker B: This is still what I want. This is still gonna happen. Yeah.
[00:49:26] Speaker A: I just don't like it how.
[00:49:28] Speaker B: Yeah, there was still, like, an aspect of, like, control still.
[00:49:31] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Releasing any form of control.
[00:49:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:49:34] Speaker A: Anyways, that was a good episode.
[00:49:36] Speaker B: Yeah, it was a deep conversation.
[00:49:38] Speaker A: Thanks for sharing that, Shawlsie.
[00:49:40] Speaker B: No worries. Thanks for being here.
[00:49:43] Speaker A: This is my podcast.
[00:49:44] Speaker B: Yeah, thanks for being here. Thanks for joining us today.
[00:49:47] Speaker A: But, yeah, thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
[00:49:51] Speaker B: Yeah, thanks so much. We would love to hear from you as well. If there's, like, any downloads, anything that came through for you, share with us in the comments below. Connect with us on Instagram. Everything is all linked in the description below, wherever you're watching or listening, whether it's on podcasts or YouTube. And with that being said, we'll see you in the next episode.
[00:50:13] Speaker A: Yes. See you.
[00:50:14] Speaker B: Bye.
