Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the consciously thriving podcast.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: Hello, welcome back to another week.
[00:00:08] Speaker A: We need to do a disclaimer because if you're watching us on YouTube right now, then you can see that we are dressed the exact same.
[00:00:15] Speaker B: Literally. Not the. Like, we're both in black pants and a black top that are very similar style.
[00:00:20] Speaker A: It's basically the same thing.
[00:00:22] Speaker B: Basically the same thing. Not intentionally.
[00:00:24] Speaker A: Not intentionally at all. And this is, like, something we do on it. Like, very often. We don't talk about what each other is going to wear, and we rock up in a very similar, close to identical outfit to the point where we are actually made fun of it.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: Yeah, right.
[00:00:39] Speaker A: Like, people, like, make fun of us for it, and they think that we're doing it on purpose. They think that we're coordinating our outfits.
[00:00:45] Speaker B: We've just merged into one person.
[00:00:47] Speaker A: We're literally one being right now. So literally, I. I had. I was coming late. I was off doing something this morning, so Nadia was already inside, and she was, like, getting this whole setup ready for the podcast. And I, like, look over to her, and she's looking over to me, and I was like, you're fucking kidding me. Wearing the exact same fucking outfit. And she's like, are you gonna go change? And I was like, no, because this is, like, authentic. It is.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: Do you know, even one time, like, because we get told. Like, because we just give off. We don't look the same, but, like, we get similar.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: Like, vibes.
[00:01:19] Speaker B: Like, with similar height. Yeah, pretty much like the same height. We went to, like, this festival one time, and the guy, like, tripped out because we were both in, like, a white tee with, like, baggy jeans.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: And he's like, just thought you were.
[00:01:30] Speaker B: Twins for a second.
[00:01:32] Speaker A: I think it's our energy.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: Like, energy. And also the fact that we're wearing the same thing.
[00:01:37] Speaker A: Literally. But people do wear the same thing. And people don't think that. That they're the same person, but we often get that. We get treated like the same person. Like, I'll go out with people. Like, I'll be, you know, hanging out with my boyfriends, like, friends and shit like that. And they'll ask me, like, where's Nadia? Like, confused as to why she's not there.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: Yeah. And, like, why are you here with Elena and not Nadia?
[00:01:57] Speaker A: Literally, like, it's confusing for people. They're like, this isn't right.
[00:02:01] Speaker B: This isn't right.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: You shouldn't be here with him.
[00:02:03] Speaker B: That's funny.
[00:02:04] Speaker A: And you get the same thing. It's so funny. Like, whenever I'm around people, they'll always ask, how's Nadia? And vice versa. It's just. It's like, yeah, we're one and the same. Yeah, we're one and the same. This is funny. This is ridiculous to me. I was just like, literally, get the fuck out of here.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: Honestly.
[00:02:17] Speaker A: Anyway, so it's been a hot minute since we've been back to do a podcast episode because. Yeah, we've. Nadia has had some shit come up.
[00:02:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:29] Speaker A: Do you want to talk about it?
[00:02:31] Speaker B: You like some shit come up?
[00:02:34] Speaker A: I don't know how to word it.
[00:02:36] Speaker B: Sounded like I had some limiting beliefs come up. So it is.
No. So my nono, which is my grandfather, had passed away. It's like, two weeks now.
Just over two weeks. We had a delayed funeral just because my parents moved in. Everything happened for my family at the one time. So I just said to shillay, like, obviously, I'm grieving and not in the right headspace right now. I couldn't even think creatively.
[00:03:00] Speaker A: Yeah. It just wasn't a priority.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: It wasn't a priority. So I feel like, you know what? Like, when you actually are honest with yourself and allow yourself to, like, take a step back, it's so funny how much you want to get back into it rather than pushing.
[00:03:12] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: Because, like, this week I've really felt like wanting to get back into work and not that I completely stopped, like, actually. No, I did. No, I fully did. You did? Yeah. But, like, I just feel, like, more alive to get back into it.
[00:03:27] Speaker A: Yeah. Because you gave yourself actual space to, like, process and have your emotions and no pressure in that as well. Like, no expectations to, like, have to produce anything. And I just think that that's, like, the most beautiful thing you can do for yourself during such a sensitive time. Like, you know, you're with family, and it's just. There's a lot coming up. Lots of emotions, and we might do an episode on grief because we both have had our experiences with it and. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see if that channels through, but wanted to give a little bit of an explanation as to why we've been, like, a little bit mia. Yeah.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: Before we get into today's episode, can I share a little story about the owls? Because I thought that would be.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:04:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:03] Speaker A: That was such a nice story.
[00:04:04] Speaker B: Yeah. So. But, yeah, I do agree with everything you said, and I never used to do that. I never used to give myself space. I would feel guilty. And there's not one, like, not one bit of guilt came up this time. And I'm just like, you know, yeah, good. I see the merit in it. And like, it's not what you do, it's how you. How the energy you do it in any way.
[00:04:19] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:04:20] Speaker B: But so my grandma, who was this grandfather who's passed away's wife, she passed away during COVID so I think like four, almost five years ago, four and a half years ago. And when she passed away, I was like, getting into spirituality and I wanted a sign. So I said to the universe, or I said to her, if you're here, show me an owl. And like, I think it was like the next day or that week, Anthony, my partner's mum, sent me like a photo or he sent me a photo and there was an owl. Cause we weren't living together at the time. So at his house there was an owl that was like on his porch. And I was like, oh, my God, this stuff is so real. I got, like, really excited. And ever since that moment, like, I'm obviously a lot like, I, you know, see signs all the time and things like that now. But this was like a representation of her. Like, that's her sign for me. So like, whenever I was like, something happens. She's my son. And Al comes up just as a reminder to be like, you're on the right path, or whatever.
And then recently, like, I think it was like he had passed away on the Sunday and the next day I. I was. I was literally thinking about them. I. I had the day. Yeah, I didn't. Yeah, I had the day off or whatever. And I was just like thinking about, like, wondering if they were together. Like, just thinking about the process of death because I had actually seen his body pass away. And like, a lot of emotions come up from that.
Seeing a dead body is like an experience that is like, insane. But a lot of emotions came up with that and just a lot of questions because of, like, I'm like, look what happens to the body, like, what happens to the sou. Just naturally being in this space. So I was in that headspace thinking, wonder if they're together or whatever. And then I was like, completely off my phone that day. I wasn't on it or anything like that. I was just in the fields. And then I just happened to go on on my phone. And the first thing that, like, popped up was two owls, like, sitting next to each other, side by side. It was like a photo of it. It was so. They were so cute as well. They looked like they were just like, together. And in the caption, it said, like, the universe be sending some signs today. And it was like, such confirmation. I just thought that, like, that was such a beautiful story to say, like, Nadia, we're here together.
[00:06:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:06:25] Speaker B: And the energy I felt was like. Because I was wondering if. Because something you said as well was like, my. My normal, which is my grandfather. She was. My grandma was helping him transition to the. The other. The other side or whatever. And it looked like in the photo that she was in front. So kind of just felt like he's here with me, like, protecting him. It was really, really cute.
[00:06:46] Speaker A: That's really.
[00:06:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:47] Speaker A: I really love that. I.
I really felt the presence of, like, your grandma and your grandpa together.
[00:06:57] Speaker B: Like.
[00:06:57] Speaker A: Like when I was at the funeral, at the service, I could. I got this, like, overwhelming sense of joy, which is unusual.
[00:07:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: Like a thing. But I just felt, like, so much, like, joy and happiness and from him and her and, like, they were, like, twirling and dancing in, like. Yeah, it was really cute. It was like. I never told you that. I'm gonna tell you, I felt that. Yeah.
[00:07:19] Speaker B: I think I was feeling that, too. I feel like there's been a part of me that's like. I've felt a lot of emotion towards. Because I felt. I felt like he suffered the last four years without her.
[00:07:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: So I felt like that would, like, gave me a little bit of relief of, like, when I saw that. So it's nice. I just feel like, that pain of him missing her.
[00:07:36] Speaker A: Losing your spouse.
[00:07:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:38] Speaker A: You know, it was. It was a nice feeling. I've never had that at a funeral before. Like, it just, like, absolutely absolute, like, happiness.
[00:07:45] Speaker B: Yeah. And it was like, the energy was very much of. In celebration of his life because, like, he did live a very long Life. He was 93, so it was very much.
[00:07:54] Speaker A: It was a different type of funeral. It was sad, but obviously just more of like a closing off.
[00:07:58] Speaker B: Like something off. Yeah.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: Life chapter.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:02] Speaker B: But, yeah, I thought I'd share that story. Yeah.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: It's a really nice story.
[00:08:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: I'm like, fuck, do we do it? Do we do that episode now? I'm like, it's just channeling through.
[00:08:12] Speaker B: Do you think?
[00:08:12] Speaker A: I don't know. What do you want to do?
[00:08:14] Speaker B: I guess we can talk about it. Why not?
[00:08:16] Speaker A: It's up to you.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: Yeah. I feel like we.
Yeah. I feel like we've done some similar episodes on this, but I feel like the last, like, couple weeks is. You know what? Let's show people what it is to, like, follow your channel because we were.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: Talking about, like, two things that we've been wanting to talk about on the potty.
We want to talk about a lot of, like, the worldly events that have been happening at the moment in terms of, like, with everything. I'm sure everyone knows what's going on. There's lots of shit happening with, like, the U.S. election that happened and just all of this other world, like, happening in the world to women particularly.
And we wanted to give our take on it, what we've, like, learned in the spiritual space within ourselves. And, yeah, we wanted to talk about that, but then we also, like, having gone through this experience of, like, just recently navigating grief, like, we were like.
[00:09:07] Speaker B: And I feel like you've had a wave of it come back with up with your dad as well.
[00:09:11] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been very, like, prevalent with.
Yeah, just, like, grieving in, like, loss of life and just, like, the confrontation of death. And. Yeah, it is something that we have spoken about. So we were, like, contemplating what to do today, and we decided on, you know, doing the first idea. And then we're like, you know, if this comes through next time, we'll do that.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: But we're here now.
[00:09:33] Speaker A: We're here now. And we started talking about it, and I was just like, well, why don't we just talk about it? Obviously, channeling through. So, yes, this is a representation of going with the fucking flow.
[00:09:41] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:09:42] Speaker A: So, yeah, why don't you start.
[00:09:45] Speaker B: Yeah, well, why don't we start with.
[00:09:47] Speaker A: Like, what I feel?
[00:09:48] Speaker B: Like emotions have been coming up and, like, what feelings have been coming up and what I kind of have, like, I feel like we've spoken about it, but I feel is, like, it's becoming a really deep. Like, it's becoming so deep in my embodiment. I feel like it's getting, like, solidified a little bit more and, like, almost. Anyway, I'm gonna go into it before I, like, continue there, but basically.
So I. My grandfather had passed away. I knew he would pass away. I think, like, I thought, like, a year. I think I said this year.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: I think he passed away.
[00:10:18] Speaker B: I had that feeling that he would just. Because you can feel when someone's, like, slow. And he started getting dementia, like, absolutely crazy that he only really, like, had these things, like, the last year of his life. How crazy? 92 years. No sickness, nothing.
[00:10:32] Speaker A: That's insane.
[00:10:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: The Galley jeans together.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: Galley jeans on that side. But anyway, so, like, I think you.
[00:10:39] Speaker A: Had, like, what, even, like, great grandfathers living to, like, 100.
[00:10:42] Speaker B: Yeah. So his dad yeah, yeah. And my non, my grandma, I think they died 78.
[00:10:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:49] Speaker B: Which was a lot younger than my non. Nor. And her mom died at 78 as well. And something she always said was, I'm scared to die the same year. Like, I think, well, like, because she was superstitious, she died the same age as her mom.
[00:11:00] Speaker A: Really.
Fuck off.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: That is wild. It's wild, but so crazy when these things happen. Being spiritual, you're just like, what the.
[00:11:09] Speaker A: Hell you think about these things?
[00:11:10] Speaker B: Wow. Yeah. But, yeah, so I knew he was. But it was kind of still really sudden because he went into hospital because he had some tumors on his lung and one of them had burst. So he had like a semi collapsed lung, but not really. And obviously you can't survive too long with like one lung that's barely working. So they said, you know, he will pass away soon. So that week we were with my family and we were there and basically I wasn't really feeling these emotions, like, so strongly. But on the Sunday when he had passed away, there was this overwhelming feeling. Like two feelings really came up. I'll talk about, like, the first part in which I think, like happens a lot when it comes to grief. And that's like where the ego is really present and you can share a lot of what's coming up for you. But it's like that feeling of guilt that comes up once the person has passed away. And if you've had like a loved one pass away, I'm sure everyone can relate in very different ways for very different reasons. But for me, my ego was starting to get really loud of feeling like I wasn't. I didn't do enough, do enough, which is obviously a load of shit. So it's obviously a lot of shit because no matter what you do, it's just like those emotions are so strong that those feelings of grief can really overtake. So.
[00:12:27] Speaker A: So you were feeling like you didn't do enough. It's so interesting that you felt that way.
[00:12:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:31] Speaker A: Because the way that I saw it was like you were there ever. Like you were even there prior to that. Like that week where you were told that he was likely going to pass away and making all that effort that week, even prior to that, you were always the person that was like, visiting your grandparents, going to see them, like, thinking about them. So it was really interesting to hear you say that that was coming up.
[00:12:52] Speaker B: Yeah. Because we. So the. My grandparents and this are. We were very close to them. Like, so they like, they were the type of grandparents that like, literally picked up from living in the country as soon as we were born and came to live with us. So they be prevalent in our lives and we always had them. Like we had Sunday dinners with them. They were just like such a huge part of our life. They lived two minutes up the road. So I had my whole life with them. Like they picked us up from school. Like they, they were like, you know. Do you remember like my grandma like picking. No, we weren't that close.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:19] Speaker B: At school everyone remembers her red car.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: Really? Yeah.
[00:13:23] Speaker B: So we were really close. So it's like I knew we had like spent a lot of time together and I was visiting him a lot. He lived like he's. He was in the nursing home for the last year up the road and I would see him often. But it was this feeling of like now that they're gone and like that feeling of missing them, you're just like, I wish. Just like you always feel that feeling of like I wish I just, even those last that week, I wish I was like hugging him more and just being with him and like that. I don't know, it just felt like this sense of like you realize like I'm never going to see that person ever again and that's like aware of it. So I think because that feeling was so strong of like, oh, I'm never actually going to see this person again and that chapter's done and you realize that like having someone been in your life, I think the ego finds it, that feeling really just in discomfort. That's what I've realized going through this. It's like the body, I was struggling to feel that emotion to its depth. So then it would come up with like feelings of guilt, of I should have done this, I should have done that or whatever. Because it's like hard to process.
[00:14:21] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:21] Speaker B: And I don't know if you've had like a similar experience with that.
[00:14:24] Speaker A: Yeah. For both. I've lost my stepsister and my dad and that was the entire experience. It's what you're describing. It was just constant. I should have done this, I should have done that, I should have been done there. Like going back to all of like our interactions and being like I should have been like this instead and I should have been like this instead. And I just think it's a real eye opening experience because it's like yes, one thing, it's like the ego is always going to nitpick but then also it's like a big reality check with presence as well.
[00:15:03] Speaker B: Yeah. So that was like the other thing I was going to share as well because, like, that's a big piece to the puzzle being. It does wake you up to the present moment.
[00:15:12] Speaker A: It's like when you're being so honest with yourself, you're like, but I wasn't fully present with that person. And there could have been moments where I was more.
[00:15:19] Speaker B: Yeah, 100%. And like, obviously, as you're grieving, there needs to be a layer of acceptance of what is. And, like. Because that's like, something. Because that obviously came up for me. But I feel like I don't know if you want to, like, go into your story with your dad, because I know you have on the podcast, but with you, like, you didn't see your dad as he passed away. So, like, that comes with, like, a whole nother layer of, like, guilt as well. So in itself. But then there's also. You've been on a journey of, like, realizing that that was perfect and.
[00:15:50] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:51] Speaker B: Accepting that and through that.
[00:15:53] Speaker A: Exactly. Because there. There are. There are so many parts to look at. Right. There's the part where, you know, it's your ego, and your ego is always like, it. Like you said, it's like it's struggling to process these really difficult emotions. And this is how it's, like, getting through it. Right. It's like it's trying to, like, translate it and it's trying to like, it's almost like even it kind of feels like, yeah, the ego is like, way to get through things is like, let me fix it. Let me solve it. I. You know, so, like, you know, kind.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: Of, or even with the ego, what it does is like, yeah, like you said, like, lets me fix it.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: Blah, blah.
[00:16:28] Speaker B: But it also, sometimes it doesn't like being wrong. So, yeah, reasons for why you're right and like, why. Why you didn't go see your dad or whatever.
[00:16:37] Speaker A: I did that for a long time, but that was just like, complete denial of, like, you know, accepting the guilt that I was feeling. Yeah. For me, I don't know. I don't know if. Because we deleted some of our old episodes, so I don't know if we deleted that episode, but basically, because this actually did come up you through just naturally. Because we're so close, like, just watching you go through, like, grief and like, being, you know, like, oh, you're.
[00:16:59] Speaker B: We're so connected. I wouldn't be surprised, like, your dad's spirit, like, all of it, like, they all.
[00:17:03] Speaker A: We're so connected. To the point where I felt your grandpa pass away the day that he passed away.
[00:17:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: So like that night I had already gotten a message that he had passed away. But it's funny, like I don't know what the fuck keeps happening to me, but whenever I get these like dreams, it's like I know in the moment that they're real and that they're a message dream. But it's like I'm in denial that they are.
[00:17:26] Speaker B: Yeah, that's an ego. Just like wanting to be like maybe it's not or whatever.
[00:17:29] Speaker A: Yeah. So I remember that morning I got up and I just like, I. It's like I chop it like it's like I very quickly convinced myself it was just a dream. It was just because I was talking about him to you the night before or whatever it was. But like that night at 3am I got a message that he had passed away. Like your grandpa and I had. Yeah, received him in a dream. But it was like again it was like a happy pass away. Like he was like joyous to go like and to be in the other side. Yeah, for him. So we are very connected. But through that it's like naturally my dad has been like really present like through that because I had a lot of like grief come up as well through just my grief of like my dad losing my dad. So basically, for those of you that don't know, let me explain the story. So my dad and I had a very like rocky relationship, but we like, while we had a lucky rocky relationship, he was like an alcoholic and things like that and abused like some drugs and things like that, like weed and all of that.
He wasn't very emotionally available throughout my life, but we still maintained contact. So we would see each other like when I was a kid, everywhere, week and then every second week. And then as I got like into my teens and I started driving and things like that. It was like every month or so you made.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: And like I was around during that period of time where he was still in Australia. I know you're going to share that part, but I always remember you making effort or trying to make effort to see him.
[00:18:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I very much did try and make an effort while he was in Australia to see him. And then basically what ended up happening is his brother ended up coming here and then he could see that my dad was looking really ill. But my dad would never eat, he would drink and he would do drugs. So like that he basically lived a life of regret. So he lived a life where he hit my mum and he made some mistakes and it was like a real like big scene when I Was like five. And we ended up running away from him because of his, like, abuse. And then from that, he's just forever shamed himself for that. And, like, losing his family, like, he had a lot of love for us. He had a lot of love for my mum, particularly. And it's like, when she had gone away, it's like he could never forgive himself for that. He never let himself love anyone else. He never let himself be happy after that.
[00:19:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:53] Speaker A: Which is like the saddest thing because it's like you can, like. And for so long in my life, I did hold resentment to him, but then it even got to a point throughout my life, prior to me getting into the space where I was like, I wanted him to be happy, I wanted him to meet somebody else. I was like, you just like, stop doing this to yourself.
[00:20:10] Speaker B: You never forgave himself.
[00:20:11] Speaker A: Never forgave himself. And I think that's important in part to this story that I'm going to, like, share. Right. His whole life was living in remorse and never forgiving himself and drinking his pain away. So that was him. And then his brother came, saw that he looked really sick and said, why don't you come back to Turkey with us? Da da da da da. So he ended up going back to Turkey and I knew that that was the right decision for him at that time as well, because it's just he was so, like, sad and lone and there was like, no life for him here. So I was like, I saw him doing that and you know what's so funny?
I don't think I've said that to you, but I remember sitting on the couch.
If I cry, I'm going to cry.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: Oh, don't. I'm going to cry now.
[00:20:50] Speaker A: No, but I remember sitting on the couch.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: I'm going to put my coffee down.
[00:20:54] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Why is this happening?
[00:20:56] Speaker B: It's okay.
[00:20:57] Speaker A: I just want to tell the story.
[00:20:58] Speaker B: That's okay.
[00:21:01] Speaker A: But I remember looking at him and being like, that's the last time I'm going to see him.
[00:21:05] Speaker B: Yeah, like you just had this feeling.
[00:21:08] Speaker A: Yeah. I want to cry.
[00:21:10] Speaker B: Do you want tissues?
[00:21:11] Speaker A: No, it's all right.
[00:21:12] Speaker B: Are you sure? Do what the Sabrina Carpenter thinks.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: She says don't wear.
[00:21:17] Speaker B: Literally.
[00:21:18] Speaker A: I'm gonna literally use the leg of my sleeve.
[00:21:22] Speaker B: Are you sure you don't want tissues?
[00:21:23] Speaker A: No, that's fine. Yeah. Anyway, so I just want to, like, keep it together so I can tell the story. That's okay if you like, but I'm a very emotional person, so, yeah, like, I cry Literally everything.
[00:21:38] Speaker B: So that's confronting.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: Sorry.
[00:21:40] Speaker B: That's confronting, realizing. But you don't. It's like you're not sure, but you feel it.
[00:21:45] Speaker A: Yeah, it's like, at the time, you don't know. But, like, at that point, I knew that that was gonna be the last time I saw him. And I felt like he knew as well. Like, the way that he was looking at me. Like, I felt like. Like something crossed between us where it's like he knew that it was the last time, and I knew it was the last time.
Anyway, he went to Turkey after that, and he lived for three years. Right. And in that time, we. I didn't make an effort with him and he didn't make an effort with me. Right. So we just didn't really speak. I think we spoke, like, once or something like that. Not even. I wouldn't even get, like, birthday messages.
[00:22:19] Speaker B: He would forget. I remember one year he forgot. And he called you, like, the week after.
[00:22:23] Speaker A: Yeah, he would forget. I would forget his birthday. It was just kind of like that. And we kind of.
[00:22:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:28] Speaker A: Very minimal contact. We didn't really have much to say to each other. But I think for him, it, like, really came from, like, shame, you know, it would.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: Yeah, it's the only reason it would.
[00:22:39] Speaker A: Exactly. So that happened. And then basically when he went to go, like, basically, he was sick. So during that entire time while he was in Australia, he had cancer. He was sick. And that's how much this guy didn't love himself.
[00:22:58] Speaker B: Like, he didn't know.
[00:23:00] Speaker A: I didn't know.
[00:23:00] Speaker B: Just so people know, Shilay didn't know he was sick.
[00:23:03] Speaker A: Yeah, I didn't know he was sick. Like, he looked sick, but he always looked sick to me because he was, like, abusing him.
[00:23:08] Speaker B: He didn't look after him.
[00:23:09] Speaker A: He didn't look after himself. But his brother had been living in Thailand. So when his brother came to see him, my uncle, he was looking at his face and he could see. You know when you've been like, there's been space between the person he could see, because he wasn't seeing regularly, that something was wrong. So he took him and he tried to take him to doctors. Dad wouldn't go anyway. He kept this cancer to himself. Like, this is how much he, like, didn't love himself.
[00:23:32] Speaker B: And also maybe denial.
[00:23:34] Speaker A: Denial, like, kept it to himself, didn't tell anyone. And he went through that on his own to the point where the cancer literally took over his entire body. And it basically got to the point where obviously it was terminal. And he ended up losing, like, ability to walk and things like that. Like, became paralyzed. And it was just like, really, really traumatic at the end. But when he was. When they had found out finally that he had cancer, because obviously it was getting so progressively worse, my uncle called me and, you know, he calls me and he goes, your dad's passing away. He has cancer. You should come and see him.
And I remember just being in. Like, I was so scared. Like, that was the biggest thing I was scared of, like, saying goodbye to somebody that I loved, you know, like, of course, like a parent. Like, we had such a rocky relationship.
[00:24:25] Speaker B: But that also adds another layer to it as well, because then you're also like, that's what I was actually thinking about. Like, as I was, like, grieving my grandfather. There's, like, one thing of, like, someone passing away that. But then when you've got layers of feeling like you've had a rocky. Like, you love the person, but there's another layer of, like, so much rockiness and unhealed trauma between the two.
[00:24:47] Speaker A: Lots of unsaid words.
[00:24:48] Speaker B: Unsaid words. Unsaid. There is. Yeah. It's like you're his daughter and he's your dad and it's just like, that's. You just leave. Like, you're just kind of leaving earth on just like such a rocky ground.
[00:25:02] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:02] Speaker B: Whilst navigating, having a love for this person who's your dad.
[00:25:06] Speaker A: Yeah. Just like, wishing it could have been different. But then the most. Like, the most that was coming up was I was terrified.
[00:25:13] Speaker B: I was so scared. Yeah.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: And this was actually in. This was the year right before my spiritual awakening where I was the worst. I've ever been. I've been in the worst mental headspace. I was having anxiety every day.
I didn't know, like, I felt like I was losing myself in life and it was, like, really rocky. So anyway, I had made the choice not to see him.
So I.
[00:25:36] Speaker B: Can we just add to the mix that you're also going on a holiday to Europe?
[00:25:40] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I.
[00:25:41] Speaker B: So there was an opportunity there.
[00:25:42] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I full had the chance to see him. I was literally going to Europe that year. I could have seen him. I could have gone to Turkey. I could have seen him. And I made every excuse under the sun not to see him to the point where. Where I told him to his face, like, they had tried. They had made him call me to say, hey, I want to see you. And I said no to his face. Like, literally proper was like, I'm not seeing you. And I. I used our Trauma as the reason why. And I use that to fight behind. And I remember during that time, like, you were telling me to go see him. My mom was telling me to go see him.
[00:26:14] Speaker B: A lot of people that said don't as well.
[00:26:16] Speaker A: Lots of people said don't.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: And. And I still stand to my word with this, actually. Like, I feel like maybe that was my spiritual side coming out. I'm just like, I. I don't think I said it's wrong if you don't. I think, like I said, you'll regret it. You. You may regret it. And then also.
Yeah, no, you may regret it. And like, yeah, just like closing that chapter, I think. I don't think I expressed this, like, in a. Like a pushy way. I never pushed you, but I always felt like you should have. Like, you could have just gone to say goodbye and say, like, you know, he was a part of your life and he did raise you to an extent. Extent. Just to say goodbye.
But also, that was perfect.
[00:26:56] Speaker A: Exactly. So, no, you did say that. And I do agree with that. Like, there's actually been moments now, particularly in my.
When I was, like, a skin therapist, when I was working in that job, where people have been in similar situations to me where they've had really shitty relationships with their dad and then the dad has been passing away, and then they look like they. They were talking about it to me. And I, like, from my experience, I was like, what I know is, go see them.
[00:27:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:22] Speaker A: Literally. Because then you, at least you've done, like, everything on your behalf, and you don't. You don't walk away, like, having regret. You know what I mean? It's just like, you. You did everything you know you could have done. Whereas for me, it's like I let fear keep me from that experience.
[00:27:37] Speaker B: And you know what else it is as well. I think, like, a lot of people, and I think, like, every situation is really different. I think, like, whatever. Like this, like, we just want to say this is like, no right or wrong. It's like, what's perfect for you, but a perspective that, like, kind of helps me. And I'm. I'm sure you. And you know, I know that you embody this now is like, a lot of people may not in your situation wouldn't have wanted to see their dad because it's like, well, you. Like, why now? You could have made more effort.
[00:28:01] Speaker A: And that's what I was saying at the time.
[00:28:02] Speaker B: Yeah, like, you could have made more effort.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: I was like, you didn't talk to me in three Years, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:28:06] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. And there's something to that. Because I feel when you're.
I feel like there's a vulnerability to when you're passing away, because that's when you really realize what matters. And I'm like, there's something in that. That I'm just like, it's nice to offer. Yes. It doesn't mean you have to forgive someone just because they're passing away and you, like, there's two sides. It's like, you don't have to be like, you know, whatever. But I think there's something beautiful in being able to offer forgiveness and heal while someone's, like, kind of passing away. And, like, putting that judgment aside as now, like, going through spirituality and understanding the ego and understanding why, like, people operate the way they do rather than having such a hatred and.
[00:28:48] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, no, I agree. I like, holding on to that hatred is not helping anything or anyone. It's like, it's not helping that, like, soul heal. It's not helping you heal. It's just. And that was very much like, I was. That was the point, like I said right before my spiritual waking. So I was in the most negative person in the history of the world at that point. Like, I don't even remember that version of me, because it was crazy. I was like. I was so negative. I was so.
I. I really, like, got affected by death as well, in that, like, I hated how people changed with death. Like, that was a big thing that I would always say. I was like, why the fuck that when you die, you then choose to be different? Like, no.
[00:29:25] Speaker B: And that is like that. And to be honest, I. I do, like, have extents where I agree. Well, it doesn't always mean that this. You have to forgive. I think, like, forgiveness is a big part of healing, but it doesn't mean, like, that all of a sudden. It makes what that person did okay. There's just a layer to realizing that holding the resentment isn't helping.
[00:29:44] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. I agree. And to be honest, like, with this situation, like, I was just as much to. I was. I was a part to play in it.
[00:29:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:53] Speaker A: As well. Like, with, like, not, like, why didn't I contact him as well. Do you know what I mean? Like, even though I think that's what just kept happening, it was like, I felt like I'd always been the one making the effort and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying to, like, make and form this relationship with him, but he just wouldn't give me anything. So then when he went away. It was easy to just be like, well, this, like, I'm not doing it anymore. And then because I was such an angry resentment, like resentful hatred, like hate filled person at that point, like, I just couldn't. And I was so afraid of like my fears and my anxieties. And my biggest fear was saying goodbye to somebody that I loved. It was just like, it all manifested like that. So I had made that choice not to do those things.
[00:30:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:37] Speaker A: And to be fair, when I was in Europe, he was paralyzed by that point.
[00:30:43] Speaker B: So he wasn't even.
[00:30:45] Speaker A: He wasn't even responsive. He wasn't even there. So there is that. But yeah, he died the day after my birthday.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:54] Speaker B: Held on just that little bit.
[00:30:56] Speaker A: Yeah, he held on just that little bit longer. And then he died then. So since his death and since my spiritual awakening, as you could imagine, there's lots of grief and emotion there and there's lots to process, which I'm still on a journey of like, processing. But I held a lot of like hatred and anger towards myself for the choices that I made during that time. And it often just comes up from time to time where I'm literally just like grieving, Grieving.
[00:31:27] Speaker B: That's it. And that's the thing with grieving and healing. It's not like a. I. You process it once and then it doesn't come up again. Exactly. And something like that we spoke about when you were, we were talking about the other day with Shoelace. Having these emotions come up is because you've done so much work around it and because you've done so much feeling your emotions and healing with that at the moment. Like last week when it was coming up, there was this feel, like there was this energy towards you grieving your dad, where it's like those feelings were there but you no longer identified with them. You no longer were looking at the decisions you made as like, or anything like that. You're like, you're fully aware that that was like perfect for what it was because of the state of consciousness you were in. And like that was. And that's the same thing. It's like you can also wish something different and then also know that that's perfect. And like, that's such a funny thing to like, balance. Because if it was meant to be different, it would have been different and you would have had the resources available to like, have the consciousness to make a different decision.
[00:32:24] Speaker A: Well, actually that's what I wanted to talk about. Like, that was like the purpose of me telling his Life story of, like, how he lived his life and then versus, like, how he died and versus, like, with the decisions made and then the guilt and the grief I was feeling afterwards. Like, it was like, exactly that. I was like, I couldn't change my decisions. Like, I had made those decisions. So it took me actually having to own it. First of all, because I was gaslighting myself and everyone around me going, no, I don't feel guilt. Like, this is like.
This is like, you know, a decision that I was happy to make. Blah, blah, blah, whatever it is. There's that. But then also, like, so I had to, like, come to terms with it. I had to realize I couldn't change it if I was going to make a decision, different decision, as you said I would have. And then there was this also this part of me that realized I was like, oh, this is exactly how he lived his life. He lived his life in regret and he never offered himself forgiveness. So I just knew that, like, this was like our karma to, like, heal. And I was like, who am I going to be in the same situation that he's in where, like, I'm shaming myself and I'm like. Because I was shaming myself to the point where I was like, you don't deserve good things. You're a shitty person. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, I had a lot of guilt and a lot of shame and I remembered, I was just like, this is exactly what he did to himself.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:45] Speaker A: And this is like, I just knew it was my karma to heal for, like, our generational line. And I was like, I can, like, I'm going to feel the depths of this guilt and the shame, and I'm going to see it and I'm going to let it go and I'm going to love myself through it regardless. And I'm just going to be like, now I know. Now I will. Like, I know that I wouldn't make that decision. I know that I wouldn't let fear keep me from saying goodbye to someone I love and blah, blah, blah, all that. Exactly. I would never let that run because I understand the implications now.
[00:34:14] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's so funny how, like.
So it's so funny how, like, you can learn. I just think it's crazy, like, with this because it's like you can learn that you can learn from something and then apply that to yourself. So it's like at that time you had, like, so much grief and things like that. But then it's like whilst those feelings are simultaneously there, you have to show Yourself so much compassion and love.
[00:34:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:34:40] Speaker B: Through feeling feelings of shame and guilt.
[00:34:42] Speaker A: Literally wild.
[00:34:43] Speaker B: And you learn from that.
[00:34:44] Speaker A: Literally.
[00:34:45] Speaker B: But I think that brings us to the. I think the number one thing that I think death is the biggest teacher on, and that is through all the decisions you make, through all the grieving, all the parts that you wish you did something differently. I think the biggest lessons I've learned, obviously there is that part of, like, understanding that, like the decisions you made with someone who maybe have passed away, the life that you had with them, the reality you had with them is perfect. And then also it's a wake up call to actually be a lot more present and realize that, like, the present moment is everything. And I think, like, I don't want to just. I feel like when I. People hear that, it's so. It so easy to just hear that and be like, yep. But this week, I swear to God. And obviously it's a practice, like when you're not. It's not easy for us when as human, as a species that knows about the past and we know that there's like a future, even though it's an illusion, the future is only ever the present. It can be really hard to still get caught up in worrying about the future, thinking about this, thinking about that, and not living here. But I feel this experience just like. Like it's really shown me that there is actually nothing else that really does matter. Like, it genuinely nothing else matters than this moment. Because when you lose a loved one or when death is at the cards, that's like the number one thing that all you want is like, you know, and there's like this saying that they say when, like, you pass away, you're like, God, like, you only. Like, I could have had one more day. You should have given me one more day. And he's like, I gave you your whole life. Like, you know what I mean?
[00:36:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:21] Speaker B: And I just want to, like, preface like those in the world of manifestation and because obviously, like, a manifestation is a big part of what we teach. Right. You know, being open to receiving in this life, but, like, being in this present moment, this has been a big thing we've been learning. I'm not surprised that, like, my grandfather was passing away during this period of, like, really understanding the present moment and realizing that, like, everything you want, you currently have in this moment. Love, happiness, all of that. And I just, I just want to really preface, like, everything that you are after, everything that you think you want, you have right now and you have the opportunity. Because when you Pass away. Like, when you're on your deathbed, no one's going to be asking you about, like, what do you. What did you achieve? How much money did you have? Nothing. You won't care. No one cares about any of that. All they cared about is, like, the people that they had around them, like my grandfather. Like, none of that even mattered.
[00:37:15] Speaker A: Yeah. The message is, like, don't waste. Like, don't wish your life away.
[00:37:19] Speaker B: Yeah. Worrying about and trying to get more, trying to have more, trying to be someone, trying to do these things. Like, if those things happen in your life as a byproduct of, you know, something you're here to do or, you know, the way you're living your life, fine. That's, like, fantastic. I'm, like, not saying we're against, like, going after the things that you want and doing things that you enjoy doing.
[00:37:40] Speaker A: Just about, like, not making it your only reason for living. Because there's so much more to life.
[00:37:48] Speaker B: There's, like, the truth of it is what you actually after is to enjoy this moment.
[00:37:53] Speaker A: Right?
[00:37:54] Speaker B: Like, it's. Enjoy life only what the soul ever wants. Like. And.
[00:37:58] Speaker A: Yeah, you know what I, like, saw as. Well, I don't know if I mentioned this, because that day was, like, pretty busy, but when I was looking at the photos of your grandpa and I was seeing everyone around him. I'm gonna cry again. Oh, my God. What's wrong with me?
[00:38:13] Speaker B: Don't make me cry.
[00:38:14] Speaker A: So when I was seeing the photos of your grandma.
[00:38:19] Speaker B: What the fuck, Joy?
[00:38:21] Speaker A: I saw that the only thing that mattered was the people around him.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:29] Speaker A: But, like, I just saw. It was just like, it didn't matter how much money they were making or, like, what they were doing or what they were achieving.
[00:38:36] Speaker B: It was like, what Martin, honestly, is.
[00:38:40] Speaker A: Love it literally, just, like, all having each other through this experience and experiencing life together. And I could just see, like, that was a lasting. That was the lasting piece. Like, for him, it's like the relationships, the people in his life, the things that he learned from them. You know what I mean?
[00:38:53] Speaker B: Like, and I don't know. Yeah, of course I know what you mean, by the way. I just like to acknowledge that.
I don't know if it's because when. I guess, like, when I met my grandparents, when I was born, they were in their retirement phase. Yeah. And I'm like, I always. If I look back at their life, they were very present. Right. Because, like. But I'm like, I don't know what. I can't speak for their life before that. But something I always found. I don't know if it's a generation or it's like, my grandparents, like, I really feel like they loved their life. Like, they really did. Like, that they had a big family. Like, the people around them.
Of course, like, there's ego, and we get caught up in that. But I do find that that generation, like, you know, even probably because of the technology that they didn't have, they were, like, forced to be a lot more present. And, like, even when my grandma's, like, she would always reminisce on, like, the moments she had, the stories that she had to tell. And I just, like, there's something to take from, like, those generations that, like, potentially didn't have technology, didn't have, like, all the. I don't think there was this big thing of, like, career and achieving this and achieving that. You, like. Yes, there was, like, the work hard and make something of yourself and things like that. But I don't feel there was such a strong. As strong of importance of status and validation and things the way this generation have been programmed. Yeah. And I think there's something to learn from that because, like, when I do look at those photos, I do feel presence, and I do feel like that's what I felt.
[00:40:14] Speaker A: Like I couldn't really, like, put words to it.
[00:40:16] Speaker B: That's exactly what it is.
[00:40:17] Speaker A: I felt present.
[00:40:18] Speaker B: They were. And because I think. I'm not blaming technology. Like, that's obviously the human being who's abusing it. But they weren't, like, the way that this generation is so fixated on thinking about the future and things like that. They were very. Just here. Yeah. Like, the farm life they all lived together.
It was very much like, it was.
[00:40:37] Speaker A: Like, community and just, like, relationships, and it was beautiful to, like, see, like. And I could literally feel that through the photos.
[00:40:44] Speaker B: Lots of community. Yeah. I think, yeah. They had so many people in their life. Like, their families were huge.
[00:40:50] Speaker A: But I could see, like, that was what made his quality of life.
[00:40:53] Speaker B: Well, something to even feel with my grandparents, they were both very scared of death. And, like, that also says. I mean, we're all scared of death. But, like, they loved their life. Like, they didn't want to leave us. Like, they were happy to really be here. And, like, that also is a testament to, you know, how much. And I just think, like, there's something to really, really learn from that.
[00:41:14] Speaker A: Yeah, I agree. I just think death is just. Just such an illuminator. It's the biggest teacher. It really. Like, we've said this in Past episodes, like, you know something, I. I often contemplate death throughout the day. I'll just be like, you don't die. I know we don't, but, like. Because we don't. Like, it's something that I actively try and do, but then, like, actually being faced with it, like, you know, like, with this experience and everything, I'm just like, whoa. Like, this is. It just. It really reminds you.
[00:41:43] Speaker B: It does. And I feel like going through this experience for the last two weeks because I feel like he not feel like he was, like, the last grandparents. So I feel like I was saying goodbye to, like, that part of my childhood.
[00:41:54] Speaker A: Yeah, you're grieving. Like, that chapter.
[00:41:56] Speaker B: That chapter. And both of them.
[00:41:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:41:58] Speaker B: You know, I feel like I was.
[00:42:00] Speaker A: Like, they were like, a unit, and they were.
[00:42:01] Speaker B: And I feel like they were a unit and, like, saying goodbye to them. Thank you for everything they've done. And even in, like, the eulogy, like, the stuff that they did, like, I have to thank them for the risks that they made. And that generation as well, they did a lot of risky things. Yeah, they really trusted themselves. They trusted themselves, and they trusted just to, like, follow opportunity. And.
[00:42:21] Speaker A: Yeah. They had come to Australia, like, completely unaware.
[00:42:25] Speaker B: I didn't even know what's Australia like. Let's go see.
[00:42:29] Speaker A: Let's go on a boat halfway across the world.
[00:42:30] Speaker B: There's so many risks in that generation to see, like, where life could take them and what they could make of their life. Yeah. But most of all, they all wanted each other. Right. Like, they had each other. But. No. I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh, yeah. I feel like at this point, like, having gone through this feeling of, you know, even, like, with the recent teachings of Michael Singer, I feel now in my body more than ever, and I'm sure this will continue to get stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger. And, yes, there is moments that you can get caught up, but I feel in my body now that it's hard for me to, like, stray away from that being the ultimate truth of life, that the present moment is.
[00:43:11] Speaker A: It's the only thing that matters.
[00:43:12] Speaker B: The only thing that matters. Like, every time any limiting belief that comes up, any story that comes up, you still, like, brought back down to this truth of, like, none of it matters.
[00:43:22] Speaker A: No, I. I completely second that. Like, it's. It's interesting to see, like, where our spiritual journey has, like, taken us, because I was actually just, like, having this conversation with friends on the weekend, and I was just saying it's funny how, like, when I first Started in this space.
It was like, I. Like, I was so into, like, exploring and, like, exploring the spiritual world, and I was, like, living up there. Like, I was just. I was a psychic. I was so curious about extraterrestrials, about spirit guides, about all of it. Like, I wanted to know everything that this universe had to offer. I was so curious about energy readings. I'm like, whoa. Like, how can I read somebody from halfway across the world and, like, get this, like, information? And it was just, like, insane to me. And I remember. I don't know if I ever told you, but, like, there was, like, one point on my. I think I did. There was, like, one point on my journey. Like, I would just meditate all day, every day.
[00:44:16] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:44:17] Speaker A: But, like, there was one point in my journey where I literally was in this meditation, and I was, like, traveling up as I usually do, and I was like, oh, what can I discover about the universe and shit like that today? So I'm, like, traveling with this, like, Andromeda being. If you know extraterrestrials, then you know what I'm talking about. But I was, like, literally traveling the cosmos with this being that I was, like, identifying as my spirit guide, and I was just like, yeah. I'm like, what can you teach me? Blah, blah, blah. And he just looked back at me, and he was like, there's nothing left to learn. And I was like, what do you mean? And then he was like, there's none of this. None of everything that you've been doing is actually relevant to your experience on Earth. And he's like, it's, like, done, finished.
[00:44:52] Speaker B: Because you are having a human experience. And that's the point of that. Literally. I think it's, like, fun tweaks, explore. But, like, not to the. Because you were obviously. I was five past. You didn't even want to be in the human experience.
[00:45:02] Speaker A: I didn't want to be in the human. I wasn't in the human experience. I was just living up there. And I remember, like, I literally went from being so, like, there. Ether, like, ethereal, like, in that realm, to, like, just completely physical. I remember that moment, like, my. My spirit, like, came back into my body, and I had no interest in, like, discovering anymore.
[00:45:19] Speaker B: And I was just like, I'm here.
[00:45:21] Speaker A: None of that is relevant. I'm here. And.
But now it's, like, through. Through that moment. Since then, it's taken, like, a while, but it's like, not only, like, I'm here.
[00:45:30] Speaker B: It's like, it.
[00:45:31] Speaker A: My spiritual journey was very. And we've spoken about this. Like the manifestation community can be a little bit ego based as well with like constantly focusing on like achieving, getting, wanting.
[00:45:41] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:45:42] Speaker A: And then it's like when you go on your spiritual journey and you're like really like on this path of like freeing yourself from yourself, it's like you realize like none of that actually matters. And now it's like I've gotten to, to this point of the spiritual journey where I was like, wow, there's really like nothing left to become. There's nothing left to do. There's just here, this moment right now and that's perfect and that's enough. And this is the point of spirituality. So it's funny how it's like the journey like just came like full circle and it's just.
[00:46:07] Speaker B: And it's like. And yeah, and I think like we've both gone through this, but I'm like, I think like sometimes like when you've gone through a stage of like getting the things that you want, getting the holidays, getting all that, and then you don't feel better with it, I think like going through that experience just makes you realize like, okay, this is all about being happy internally. This is, this is nothing to do with the outer world. This is everything to do with your. Your internal world.
[00:46:32] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:46:33] Speaker B: And that's like a big thing like that. I know for, you know, even the rest of this year and like, for beyond, like that's what our like coaching spaces are going to be like now. It's going to be really heavily focused on internal worlds.
[00:46:46] Speaker A: Well, it's funny, it's like that was already like such a big part of.
[00:46:50] Speaker B: Our relationship, but it's like in a deepening.
[00:46:53] Speaker A: It's a deepening. It's a deepening into that. And yeah, it's interesting to even see like the clients that have been coming into my space since like this like level of awakening and like what they're looking for out of life as well.
[00:47:03] Speaker B: It's like.
[00:47:03] Speaker A: And the clients that I've had that are now like growing and evolving with me, it's just really interesting to see like how that like naturally deepens, like how your work, just like your clients grow with you and things like that.
[00:47:13] Speaker B: Yeah, it's beautiful.
[00:47:14] Speaker A: It's just the only thing that matters because life is too short.
[00:47:19] Speaker B: It's like what your soul, what you want, is internal. It really is, it really is the happiness, the feelings that you think money is going to give you, the abundance, like you have access to those feelings now. It's got nothing to do with what you have. Anything like that. And like, that freedom you're looking for is all there right now internally within you.
So why on earth would you worry too much about the outside?
[00:47:42] Speaker A: Exactly. And I feel like that's just such a, like, good way to finish off this episode on, like, death.
[00:47:47] Speaker B: I'm like, it's been so intuitively, but I love it.
[00:47:50] Speaker A: Yeah, it has been.
[00:47:52] Speaker B: I feel like these are the type, like, when we channel and when we just go with the flow, like, that's what we've also been after. So I was just like, wow. Like, we didn't put any pressure on this. We just went with that.
[00:48:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:48:00] Speaker B: And it's something we've been saying that we want to do.
[00:48:04] Speaker A: Yeah. No, I'm glad that we, like, had this, like, trap because. Yeah, it's something that has been so prevalent for us.
[00:48:09] Speaker B: Like.
[00:48:10] Speaker A: Yeah, because I've been going through, like, just like letting go of those emotions. Acceptance with all of it and like. Yeah. Just sitting with everything that comes up with grieving. Grieving is such, like an up and down experience as well.
[00:48:23] Speaker B: It's just, I don't think, like. Yeah. You know who they used to say you'll never, like, get over the person. Just time heals, wins. I actually don't feel, I think like time helps you adjust because, like, as humans, you realize how adaptable you are.
[00:48:34] Speaker A: Yeah, we are. So that freaks me.
[00:48:37] Speaker B: That freaks me out. How adaptable we are. Yeah. And then you'll get waves of, like, missing the person. Like, I. I've really seen that. Like, I've been like, so up and down. It's like, honestly, sometimes I'm just like, Jesus, I feel like a wrecking ball.
[00:48:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:48:50] Speaker B: Just like so, like, up and down. But that's just like a part of grief. And like, that's something to. It's just what it is. That's what's processing emotions. And I do feel it gets a little bit easier and easier in terms of, like, you know, now with your dad, you are at this stage where it's like you're no longer identifying and believing because you've done so much healing around it. But I think grief is always there and you'll always be inclined and to miss the person. Yeah. So normal.
[00:49:15] Speaker A: Exactly right. And I think also we see death so differently now as well.
[00:49:19] Speaker B: Yeah, we do.
[00:49:20] Speaker A: Like, I feel like with my stepsister, she passed away during my spiritual awakening and I was very, like, aware and, you know, I knew I wanted to because I knew how I handled my dad. So I knew with This. I wanted to be really present with all of the emotions and not shy away from the pain and, like, fully, like, open my heart up to all of it. And honestly, like, I just. I learned so much through that grieving experience. I learned exactly that. Like, the up and the down nature of it all. But, you know, I also got the message that my sister was like, my stepsister was gonna die.
[00:49:54] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:49:55] Speaker A: Which is insane. She had that feeling, like, not. Yeah. I keep getting the message, like, of when something happens, when somebody's gonna die.
[00:50:02] Speaker B: Don't tell me when I'm. I'm scared, babe.
[00:50:04] Speaker A: That's my biggest fear.
[00:50:05] Speaker B: You get told I'm gonna die.
[00:50:07] Speaker A: Like, if I get told, like, somebody like you. One of you guys, like, is gonna die, that I had to set boundaries. I had to be like, I don't know where the fuck this is coming from, why this is happening. But, like, with your grandpa wasn't a bad thing because, like, he had already passed.
[00:50:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:50:22] Speaker A: And it was more of, like.
[00:50:23] Speaker B: And you knew that it was.
[00:50:24] Speaker A: I knew he was gonna be within.
[00:50:25] Speaker B: The next few days.
[00:50:26] Speaker A: Exactly. So that was okay. But I don't know, like, after my stepsister, like, it was like, two weeks before she had passed away, I woke up and I was like. I looked to Daniel and I was like, caitlin's gonna die. Like, I was like, what the fuck? I was so scared. He was like, no, sure. It's not gonna happen. You're fine. Blah, blah, blah. I was like, she's gonna die. I felt it. I was like. And then I convinced myself that it wasn't gonna happen. I was like, no shills. Da, da, da, da, da. I told my. My sister Olivia about it, and then when it happened, Olivia messaged me. She's like, sheila, what the fuck? Insane.
[00:50:57] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:50:58] Speaker A: I knew that.
[00:50:59] Speaker B: Like, do you know what's so funny? You even had dreams of your.
I don't know who to call him. Your stepdad, because they're not technically together, but, Matt.
[00:51:09] Speaker A: Yeah, I know they're not actually together anymore, but I'm like, they're not. Yeah.
[00:51:14] Speaker B: Yeah. I don't.
[00:51:14] Speaker A: They were my stepdad and stepsister for.
[00:51:16] Speaker B: A long time now. You got a new one.
[00:51:19] Speaker A: Now I've got a new one. Oh, my God, Jasmine. Do you know what?
[00:51:23] Speaker B: Like, we. We're really funny with each other. Yeah. So I always make a joke, like, this is funny that she, like, has, like, three daddies.
[00:51:31] Speaker A: I have three daddies. I have a new daddy.
[00:51:35] Speaker B: We're always having fun. We're just having a laugh.
[00:51:38] Speaker A: But literally an abundance of daddies.
[00:51:41] Speaker B: Honestly.
[00:51:44] Speaker A: Shut the fuck up.
[00:51:45] Speaker B: All right, Shut up. Literally, like, you were blessed.
[00:51:49] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:51:50] Speaker B: So, anyway, you did have, like, before you got into spirituality, a dream of Matt's parents once. Was it Matt's parents or Matt's grandma?
[00:51:59] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:51:59] Speaker B: And you she was talking to. Yeah.
[00:52:01] Speaker A: Oh, my God. I remember that. Oh, my God. That was prior to my spiritual awakening.
[00:52:05] Speaker B: Yeah. And what creeped me out.
[00:52:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:52:07] Speaker B: You said that you had a dream and then they. She did. She. I don't know. Something like that was crazy.
[00:52:11] Speaker A: Yeah, she. No, she had passed away.
[00:52:14] Speaker B: Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:52:15] Speaker A: She. She was already like.
[00:52:16] Speaker B: No, Matt was, like, really feeling her recently.
[00:52:19] Speaker A: That's what it was.
[00:52:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:52:20] Speaker A: That was the only spiritual experience that I've ever had prior to my awakening, where I was. Yeah. One day I'd gone to sleep and I was taken on a journey. This wasn't a dream. I've never had anything like this since, where I was on a, like, journey with this. With his grandma. With my stepdad's grandma. My stepdad and I were very close, and I, like, was on a journey. And she's like, I wish I could have known you in this life. Like, we're hanging out in depth, and she's like, I wish I could have known you. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I wish I could have known you, too. It would have been so good. And then she was, like, showing me Matt there. But I knew that he wasn't present with us, but it was like me and her, so I knew that we were, like, spirits. Like, it was crazy. And then we're on this, like, full, fun adventure. I was getting to know her, she was getting to know me. And then we, like, in the nights, like, when I woke up, it felt like I had been, like, sucked into my body. And I was like.
And then I was like, I woke up and I was like, that was the wildest experience I've ever had. I didn't have words to put to it, though. And then that, like, I had told Matt that I had dreamt of her, and then he's like, what the fuck? And we hadn't spoken about this. He's like, I've been feeling her presence for the last week because he was going through something. Yeah. So that was insane. That was their own. Like, that. Yeah. Like, I've actually had, like, not like that visceral of an experience, but, like, even, like, my dad coming back, Caitlyn coming back. Like, I've. I've asked some questions and things, like, that. Have you done that with your grandma and grandpa?
[00:53:39] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
[00:53:40] Speaker A: And you have them, like, coming back in dreams. Yeah.
[00:53:42] Speaker B: I think, like, for me, I feel like my grandma. I mean, not with my. No, no. Yeah. I've actually been scared a little bit scared because for me, it's like, too confronting. I feel like I just saw him, like, yeah, two weeks ago he was here. Like, that's been a big thing. Like, that's been freaking me out a little bit. Yeah.
[00:53:58] Speaker A: Like, they were here and then they're not.
[00:54:00] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, I'd still a bit raw. Like, that's why I'm like, I'm scared to ask him, like, questions because it feels a bit. Whatever.
[00:54:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:54:07] Speaker B: But with her, she has come in a few dreams where I've, like, asked, and I feel like there's a lot of just, like, feelings of feeling embarrassed about because, like, she was like, really, like, you know, that generation. Like, she was very war. And she used to, like, judge a lot. Like, like, what I was wearing and things like that. And I feel like she's come in a dream being like, I'm sorry. Like, none of that actually, like, matters. Not that I.
[00:54:28] Speaker A: She used to hate what I wore. Yeah, she used to hate what I wore.
[00:54:31] Speaker B: Anyone with, like, that fl.
[00:54:32] Speaker A: She used to grease me.
[00:54:34] Speaker B: She was so funny. I forgive you.
[00:54:36] Speaker A: It's funny. Like, I find it funny, but I.
[00:54:38] Speaker B: Think, like, for her, even, like, with my mom and stuff like that, like, she. She just. She was just very.
What, like, my mom was scared about.
[00:54:48] Speaker A: It's just that older generation.
[00:54:50] Speaker B: No, but like, that and that. No, I think it was a lot of her, like, because not all. Like, her sister wasn't like that. Like, Anthony's grandparents, like, they're all from that and they're not. Like, Anthony's nana tells me to flash, really basically, like, she was like, she's the best.
[00:55:02] Speaker A: She's so furby. Like, if I like my favorite human.
[00:55:05] Speaker B: Oh, she is the best. Anthony's nuna. I love her. She, like, literally, like, if I'm wearing something that's short, we need to get her on the.
[00:55:11] Speaker A: She's, like, sexy.
[00:55:12] Speaker B: Like, she really always.
[00:55:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
Okay. So it was just your grandma. Why did she say she did that?
[00:55:20] Speaker B: She didn't say why. She just had, like, probably her mom. Like, that's what they were like, like, yeah, just like that.
They cared a lot what people thought.
[00:55:29] Speaker A: That's what it was.
[00:55:30] Speaker B: I didn't even, like. I feel like a lot of that generation didn't even. It wasn't even their own Beliefs. It was what was like, programmed and given to them. Yeah. And they were very. Like, she grew up with money as well, so I feel like they were very classy and. And like always wore like, really nice outfits. So, like, me, like, she was. She hated. I would rock up in like a tank top and leggings. And that generated like, they would wear dressically naked. Yeah.
[00:55:56] Speaker A: No, not even.
[00:55:57] Speaker B: It wasn't even that. It was like, with the quality of the stuff. Like, they would wear dresses every day. Like they cared. Like, that generation, they put in so much effort. So I think it was a lot of that as well. Like, she couldn't wrap her head around that. She tried to, like, she's like, oh, yeah. You know? But she would always say, me buy good quality this, good quality that, blah, blah.
[00:56:14] Speaker A: It's like reminding me of when I was in Turkey.
In Turkey, they're very conservative over there. And I remember once I was wearing leggings and I was like, on the streets and they were all yelling at me to go back to Australia.
Literally, they're like, go back to Australia, you slut.
I was like, you think leggings are bad? Wait till you see half the other shit that I wear. Like, my ass is hanging out, my titties are out. Honestly, it's all on display.
[00:56:37] Speaker B: But even like, being in Europe, they dressed dress really nice. They do dress really nice. Like, I actually like what they wear. I don't even.
[00:56:43] Speaker A: I've never. I don't care about clothes.
[00:56:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:56:45] Speaker A: That's what I'm like. I'm like, I don't really look at what people I love.
[00:56:48] Speaker B: Like. Like, when I was in Europe, I love the Europe fashion. I think it was hot.
[00:56:51] Speaker A: I don't even remember it. Like, all I think about is, like, the landscapes and things. Like, that stays with me.
[00:56:57] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:56:57] Speaker A: I didn't even go shopping in Europe. Like, not like I did not go to the shops. Like, it actually blows my mind that people, like, go to the shops while they travel.
[00:57:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:57:05] Speaker A: I'm just like, really? That's it?
[00:57:08] Speaker B: But yeah, no, it's. It's just different.
[00:57:11] Speaker A: This conversation took a turn.
[00:57:12] Speaker B: This conversation. But anyway, we're here for it.
[00:57:15] Speaker A: We're here for it. Yeah. I feel like that was everything I wanted to say. I don't even know what came through, but I'm trusting it.
[00:57:20] Speaker B: Yeah, let's just trust it. We hope you really love this episode. Let this be a reminder. Like, this is just a reminder. Just us two besties with you chatting and just reminding you that like. Like, if you've been caught up in worrying about the future, thinking about the future. Let this serve as a reminder. Like, everything you want, everything you. You think you are after is, like, all here right now. And, like, just focus on being appreciative and loving every day that you're given, because it truly is a blessing.
[00:57:49] Speaker A: Yeah. And if you're grieving, I think, like, just open your heart up to the experience. No matter what it is. If you have hurt there, if you have regret, if you have, like, should haves, if there's a range of emotions, don't shy away from them. Know that you're not alone in that. And there's so much.
